Blog 28th December to 3rd January 2015: Praying for willingness.

Blog Dec 28th to Jan 2015 Happy New Year. I woke up on New Year’s Day feeling positively optimistic and with a sense of excitement at what the year ahead might bring. In the past New Year has always been a bit of an anti-climax. New Year’s resolutions -or as Annie called them, New Year’s revolutions - were generally made with the best of intentions but broken before I was half way through January. I had given up on going out on New Year’s Eve Years ago; one too many brawls, arguments or situations spent sobbing at the moon on an outside fire escape had put me off for life. New Year’s day was also a huge cop out, often spent in bed with a hangover or if did make it up I would lie on the sofa feeling sorry for myself making everyone else suffer alongside me. This year was not like that, I spent it in my favourite place with my favourite people, in the Living Room. Surrounded by friends and family who love me unconditionally, I didn’t have to put on a face, I could just be me and that was good. It was a lovely night, lots of fun laughter and love. The obsession for food is still there raging inside me, it still occupies a lot of my time and thoughts but it is getting less. I know for it to work I have to truly surrender to it, I’m working towards doing that and some days are easier than others. There is still a fight going on inside me. The mental obsession begins when I open my eyes in the morning and continues periodically throughout the day, planning and thinking about the next meal often while I’m eating one! I have to try and stay in the moment when I’m eating. I’m not making any new year’s resolutions this year; when you work the steps it’s one day at a time. I have set goals for myself that I thought I would share; the goals are in no particular order: Continue to develop loving healthy relationships with my partner family and friends, and continue to attend family group Work towards a healthy body weight, with the help of 1:1s, food plans, steps, groups, service, prayers, Just For Today step work book and working the steps within my eating disorder from step 1 onwards. Attend the step group at the Living Room. Continue with my blog and creative writing and join a writing group in the New Year Continue with my mosaic project Look into and explore options for further education in the field of addictions, looking specifically at eating disorders, issues within addiction and people with multiple addictions Attend the retreats, help others, find my purpose, continue to explore and develop my relationship with my higher power, and enjoy my life. I’m currently trying to prepare myself for the change in my eating plan, to accept the advice I’m given willingly without kicking and screaming and going in to inner child. I know I have to do these things to get well but there’s still that sulky teenager screaming inside. I’ve given up the booze; I’ve given up the drugs now you want my food addiction removed too! I also know I’ve been playing with the eating plan again, swapping meals round, over-eating at times, eating some things more often than I should, bargaining, and making little deals with myself. These things are dangerous and if I continue I know I will be tipped back into active addiction. I maintained my abstinence over Christmas and New Year as in no biscuits, cake, sweets or chocolate. I know I need to move my abstinence up a notch and look at the other food groups that I may be eating too much of - namely fat and carbs. And I’m scared, scared of restricting myself to an unachievable goal that will result in that “Fuck it” moment. (Apologies for the swearing, but only that word seems to sum it up for me) I know I have to shift and change that mind-set and attitude but it’s difficult to know how as I don’t know why I’m hanging on to it. It may be defiance (rebellion), it may be conditioning, it may be habit, fear, self-sabotage, and goodness knows what else, but I have to find the courage to go there and really look at it warts and all. That’s what this New Year is all about for me. I see Wyn on the 13th so I have just over a week to get used to the idea of change and try and look at it positively and without reservation. I pray for the willingness to do that. Julie