And another addiction raises its ugly head!

Blog 4th to the 11th of January 2015 And another addiction raises its ugly head! It’s been one of those weeks when I’ve been feeling restless, tired, stressed and irritable. It’s also been a week when I’ve had to come clean and look at another one of my addictions that has leapt to attention and that’s my over spending. I shared last week that my food battle had raged over Christmas but I totally ignored the fact that I had been using my spending to try and cope with the battle. Basically I have been buying crap, not just crap for me but crap for other people too. Books, cosmetics, clothes, CDs, books for Owen that he did not ask for or particularly want, and this little spending spree has totalled £400! A mere drop in the ocean compared to what I’ve spent in the past but nevertheless worrying and out of control. And as us addicts do I was justifying it (well I don’t drink, smoke or eat blah blah blah!), I’ll pay it back, and this old china: I’m not being dishonest I’ve just failed to mention it. On Wednesday evening I was confronted by Owen who was no doubt suspicious with all the Fleabay and Amazon special deliveries and the fact that I’m on first name terms with the postman. Sometimes it’s a real bugger being in recovery as you can’t lie any more, not even a little white one; you have to be honest. Owen was direct as usual, “You haven’t put the rest of the money in the joint account love, why?” “Ummm!?” long silent pause “I spent it.” “Are you overdrawn?” Instead of my past rants of “What’s it got to do with you? Stop trying to control me you materialistic bastard”, I was forced to admit that yes, once again, one of my addictions was spiralling out of control. I feel like a cornered rat when that happens - looking frantically for some explanation that sounds plausible. Knowing that there really isn’t one! “On what? How much?” no point in lying “Four hundred quid - on meals, books, CDs. Oh, who am I trying to kid? Rubbish stuff, stuff I don’t want or need.” It’s so easy online, you just press the PayPal button and wham, and it’s yours. Instant gratification and it doesn’t even feel as if you’ve spent money. It’s like it’s free and it gives me a buzz, then the parcel comes and it’s great to rip it open and admire what I’ve bought. Trouble is that that feeling is transient; it lasts for a few minutes only. I have racks of clothes that I never wear, books that have never been read, and boxes of stuff that I have never used. Annie my daughter says she’s glad I don’t live alone or I would be a hoarder and unable to move for all the piled up stuff. When I think about it I get annoyed with myself. The one saving grace is that I recognised it and I owned up to it. In the past I would just extend the overdraft, hide statements or not open them, never check my bank account and just keep on buying. The thought of going without, saving or budgeting just didn’t occur to me. I was and still am come-day go-day with money, totally irresponsible and childlike. Maybe it’s because I was an only child and my mother shows her love to me in a materialistic way. I was fortunate as a child and did not want for anything, sometimes I had to wait for birthdays and Christmases but, as a rule, if I wanted something I got it. I also hate the idea of waiting for something; its instant gratification all the way for me. Recovery is an opportunity, therefore, for me to learn that it will happen, ‘sometimes quickly sometimes slowly’. I need to look at my relationship with money as part of this process. And, when you try to work the programme for one, two or three addiction another one, sometimes, will pop out and rear its ugly head. One day I may be free from using external things to make me feel better about myself. I can only do that if I’m honest. As for food: being back at work has been good for me. Routine, structure, discipline and the end of the holidays equals being more manageable. I am following the plan and not over eating. Work has got very busy and is the most challenging it’s been since I started there, I’m constantly tuning in to the Higher Power throughout the day to asking for help. I’m trying to laugh and not take things too seriously and accept that the stress and pressure are par for the course for the time being. I’ve been doing OK - a little irritable on occasions but using step 10 to check myself and apologise to others if I overreact. I was especially irritable on Monday morning when I went for my early morning swim; there was an influx of New Year resolutioners there and I was furious. Normally I have the pool to myself and I bask like a Hollywood star pretending it’s my own private pool. On Monday I was joined by 10 other eager swimmers and I was not best pleased. I was struck by flailing limbs; I swallowed water, and silently cursed them all. How dare they all invade my pool! I was Mrs outraged of Canton! On getting to work I exclaimed my horror to the delight of my colleagues who found it all highly amusing and made me see how unreasonable I was being. They reassured me that the new influx of swimmers would probably disappear in a few weeks’ time. Tuesday’s new step meeting got off to a flying start and we explored Step 1 this week. It was a brutally honest and emotive meeting; we shared our stories of powerlessness and our rock bottoms. There was lots of identification, support, love and compassion in the room. And that’s what recovery is all about. Julie