Blog 18th to 25th January. What's the evidence that I have an eating disorder?

Blog January 18th to January 25th Step 1: We admitted that we were powerless over our eating that our lives had become unmanageable OK here it goes. Powerlessness. Surrender. Throwing down the gauntlet. Can’t go on with it but can’t envisage life without it. But its food I shout, I cry, I stamp my feet, you have to eat to live. I don’t have to drink alcohol, I don’t have to take drugs, and I don’t have to over spend, gamble, fall in love, have sex, and exercise frantically. But I do have to eat. So how then can I be powerless over something I have to do every day to stay alive, how can my “body fuel” become such an enemy to me? How can food rule and obsess my life? How can food preoccupy so much of my time? Why, when I am in the middle of eating one meal do I start thinking about what I can scoff next? Why, when I’m in bed, am I thinking about when I can next go out for a meal or have a takeaway? Why do I look at my plate, fridge, and cupboards and panic that there won’t be enough? Why am I fearful that someone will take food off my plate when I am eating? Or, when preparing food, why do I make enough to feed a small town in West Wales? Why did I hide food all around the house and in the car? Why did I hide and secret wrappers? Why did I buy food pretending it was for others then eat it myself? Why did I lie and make excuses to go to the shop pretending it was for milk when it was for chocolate that I would eat in the lane on the way home? Why, when my partner found my hidden stash and put it in the bin, did I retrieve it from the bin to eat with a feeling of hatred and shame so strong that it overwhelmed me? Why did I develop stretch marks that were so severe they left violent red marks over my abdomen (and not through pregnancy)? Why have I got clothes in my wardrobe that range from 14 to 26? Why did I eat until I felt physically sick, bloated and lay in bed groaning? Why did I have a gastric band? Why did I develop bulimia? Why did I get a stomach ulcer? Why did my teeth start decaying? Why did my hair start to fall out? Why did I develop a Vitamin B 12 deficiency? Why am I obsessed with certain foods, yet repelled by others? Why did I comfort myself and treat myself with food? Why did I feel that I had earned and deserved a treat when I did a hard day’s work or had to deal with uncomfortable or upsetting news? Why did I self-medicate with food? Why did I buy food to share and feed others pretending I was the generous host as an excuse to over-eat myself? Why, as a child, did I steal food from my mother’s secret stashes? Why did I raid the cupboards when my parents were out looking for something, anything sweet, eating cake decorations and cooking chocolate? Why did I think that my life would be perfect at 11 stone, then when I was 11 stone it wasn’t? Why did I get obsessed with weighing myself? Why did I go on hundreds of weird and wonderful diets? Why did I go vegan? Why did I buy diet pills? Why did I go to the doctor for Orlistat which caused me to shit myself in Sainsbury’s? Why did I buy clothes 2 sizes too small to “slim” in to? Why did I pretend to have a huge interest in cooking and baking recipes and trying out new dishes? Why did I take food in to work or round to other people’s houses? Why did everyone buy me chocolate as a present? Why did I never weigh myself? Why did I constantly compare my weight to others? Am I as big as her? I feel like a heifer next to her? Why did I laugh along when people called me fat or make jokes at my own expense? Why couldn’t I stop eating? Why can’t I admit that I’m powerless over food and that my life has become unmanageable? Maybe the following question and answer examples will clear it up. What happened? I was 8, I went to a birthday party, and they had “snowballs” marshmallow cakes covered in coconut and chocolate. I loved them. Why did it happen? I loved the taste and the texture. My mother never bought them. I could never have just one; there was a whole plate of them. I was greedy. Who was involved? The girl whose birthday it was, school friends, her family, my mother. What were the consequences damage? I felt sick and bloated. When I went home I was sick. I never touched another “snowball again” Explore the loss of control, how it affected you and others I felt ill, greedy and loved them so much I couldn’t stop eating them, they were new and delicious, I felt as though I’d let my mother down, I was told I was a glutton and it was my own fault that I was sick for eating too much. I felt embarrassed ashamed and different. I felt humiliated that I had been greedy in front of other children and adults. My mother was angry and disapproved; she was embarrassed and told me that I couldn’t eat “snow balls” again Julie