Blog from 21st to 29th December. Roll on 2015!

21st of December to the 29th December Blog I survived my first Christmas abstinent from my trigger foods. I have to be honest and admit that I over ate, not massively and certainly not to any type of standard set in previous years, but I did indulge in a few mouthfuls more than I should have. I’m trying to be kind to myself about it. I had an unfortunate episode with a tube of Pringles on Boxing Day, the triggers were all there, I was alone in the house, with the TV and instead of doing something to help like phoning someone, reading or distraction, I scoffed the lot. The mental obsession was present, they were sat on the windowsill and I let them call out to me. Back and forth I went ramming handfuls in my mouth, feeling guilty as I was doing it but not being able to stop until they were all gone. The advert says “Once you pop you can’t stop” I think I used that as a license. I also used it to laugh at myself and not to beat myself up. Yes it wasn’t my finest hour, but hey ho it wasn’t chocolate, sweets, biscuits or cake. I cannot allow myself totally complacency though and that is why I need to look and learn from my behaviour and realisze that I cannot keep food like that in the house, it’s too distracting and can become too much of a fixation. Work was surprisingly difficult in terms of not being able to control the food around me, tins and boxes of chocolates, boxes of biscuits, sweets, cakes, the list goes on and on. Whatever room I entered they were there staring me in the face. There was no escape and I had to just accept that I could not eat any of them. That led to a few awkward exchanges with staff. People find it odd, weird and are totally puzzled that you refuse sweet treats. If I had money for every time I was offered or told “Go on, one won’t hurt you” I would be rolling in it. One bright spark even cut a slice of red velvet cake and wafted it down right under my nose. I had to grit my teeth and chuckle along even though I wanted to plunge my face into it like Boris Bogghopper in Matilda. (Red velvet cake used to be my favorite) I got fed up of trying to explain after a while. It was also embarrassing when patients offered me a sweet, they have learning disabilities and can see it as a personal rejection when I refuse, so I just have to side-step and say I don’t eat sugar; they then automatically assume that I’m diabetic and get upset on my behalf! All in all though I wasn’t as resentful as I thought I might be, so I am making progress. I did find it strange going for 6 days without a meeting over Christmas (the longest I’ve been since being in recovery)and by Sunday I needed one and was so happy to attend family group in the evening. As I had been out of routine I had not been able to write my blog and Wyn rightly pointed out how important structure and routine were in my recovery. In the past Christmas has always been an excuse to stray, overindulge and have one of those “Oh, sod it! It’s only once a year” moments that lasts 3 months or more; but this year it didn’t have to be that way. I was reminded in a kind way to get back on the path. My family were kind and supportive, no one ate sweet stuff in front of me and when I went to my Mum’s on the weekend before Christmas she provided cheese and biscuits for my desert which was very thoughtful of her. I’m looking forward to welcoming the New Year in, we are going to the Living Room for a party and I will be able to spend it with my extended family in a safe and loving environment. In the New Year I have a one-to-one booked with Wyn to revise my eating plan; the foundation is laid and I’m accustoming and becoming more accepting, so it might be time to make some changes. I’m also going to start my OA work-book based on the ‘Just for today’ meditations and re visit the steps in relation to my eating. I can’t take my eye of the ball though; tonight I wandered into the Lounge, sat on the sofa and, without thinking, ate 2 cheese straws; straight into active addiction without even realizing it and I’m over 3 months into my eating plan regime. I was then annoyed with Owen when he suggested I go to the kitchen to eat; I became sulky and resentful. I did later feel slightly smug, however, when he admitted that he himself had eaten a vat of mince pies - 30 of them between Christmas Eve and today 29th Dec. Horrible as it sounds I was rather pleased at his lack of self-control. Anyway roll on 2015 and working towards maintaining a healthy body weight and maintaining my ongoing recovery. Julie