Blog 22nd to 29th November - The Damnation of Weighing Scales.

Blog 22nd to 29th of November Weighing scales I hate them. I have spent years either ignoring them and denying their every existence or leaping on and off them with gay abandon five or six times a day. I succumbed again to the lure of the weight machine on Monday. Over the last few weeks I have been feeling lighter, fitter, leaner, better about myself, a little spring in my step and a shake of my tail. Ego taking shape nicely. The scales were out in the office in work one of the other staff (a chubber ) like me, clambered aboard, I was stood there and against my better nature pride took over and I thought “Well if she can do it so can I” comparison and ego were next “ I wonder if I’m the same size as her?” I jumped up looked down and bang it hit me, I expected it to register much less, I was pissed off angry and resentful then filled with fatness and self-loathing. At that moment I could have happily walked around the ward beating myself senseless with a birch twig. I looked at my friend “What were you?” feeling nasty hollow and bitchy for even asking. “Considerably more than you” she tried to laugh it off. There we were two women with eating disorders who had just put ourselves through the torture and indignity of a public weighing and I assume feeling the same things without sharing. Embarrassment, shame and guilt. I felt uneasy for a long time after doing this. It’s fatal for me, the scales never show me what I want them to. I’ve followed my eating plan religiously, so the scales should cut me some slack and show up as 10 stone right? Wrong! When I’m on my restricting spiral, scales and exercise become my obsession. I know this is really bad for me. I know I need to avoid them and measure my health on clothing and the way I feel inside alongside my daily mantra; ‘I am the right weight for me today’. I had to really work hard to try and quash the negative thoughts following that weighing. My head was screaming, pig, fat cow, lump of lard, porky, ugly, birthing heifer. I was beating myself up good and proper. Thought you’d lost weight did you? You’re no good; you can’t even do that properly. Sharing what I felt with others is hard as people try and make you feel better by stating that it’s not true, but you don’t believe them as you don’t believe in yourself. All these negative thoughts need to be challenged, adult me knows these are lies built from years of criticism. Little frightened child me feel’s those feelings and it’s dangerous and unhealthy for me to feel them as they become self-perpetuating and have led in the past to that “ sodd it” moment and a binge. That’s exactly the type of behavior I need to arrest. So no more scales for me. I can share it in my blog with no fear of reprisals and I feel I can express it better on paper than by talking about it. On Friday I am going on retreat with the Living Room. I’m looking forward to it and fully intend to blog when I’m there. My hope is that it will strengthen my recovery and give me a powerful boost to manage and cope with Christmas. Just hope there’s no scales there! Julie