14th to 21st December - I reacted like a four year old.

Blog 14th to the 21st of December 21, 2014 It’s been another pretty full on week. On Monday I went down the Living Room in order to volunteer to be filmed having a counselling session as part of the Reaching Out project. I learnt a lot from that session - not immediately but after it, when I was thinking about the themes that we had touched on and my rather extreme reactions regarding revisiting my food plan in January and making some alterations. Wyn had suggested that I may have to look at cutting out takeaways for a while as these seemed to trigger some upsetting self-loathing feelings every time I ate one. When he suggested this my reaction was out of proportion, I felt a flash of anger and this most certainly showed in my face as he noticed it and commented on it. I was furious, I was angry at him for daring to even suggest it, I felt like a child again, criticized, hurt, feeling denied, punished ever so slightly self-righteous and dramatic. Hand to head “had I not suffered enough? “Had I not given up enough in my life?” I went straight in to the inner child. Wyn challenged me, rightly so, and we agreed to look at my eating plan after Christmas. This gives me some time to process the information and also to come to terms with the fact that this suggestion is the right way to progress. Wyn is not my parent, he makes these suggestions because he wants me to get well, not to punish me or put conditions on me. That is all it is, a suggestion, if I want to take action the suggestion is there to help me. I can clearly see from unpicking the last two meltdowns I have had that takeaways are an issue. So therefore it makes sense to accept that they may be causing some adverse reaction and how can I stop this? By avoiding them for a while. Broken down its simple, if I let it be. If I accept. I had another mad moment this week, they are getting less and when I think back to my early days with drugs and alcohol I had far more of them. The periods between episodes of unreasonable behavior are getting less and now I can chart them and the antecedents are more visible as I get to know myself better. It was Tuesday evening and I had sat in the lounge planning the meal list for the next two weeks over Christmas. I had to plan this with almost military precision. I had food in the freezer that I had batch cooked that needed to be used and I know I needed to keep safe, not over buy, not buy any trigger foods for Christmas and have a plan of what I was going to eat on what night so I was not tempted to go off my path. I showed the list to Owen and he looked angry. “I would like some say in the meals we cook too he said” I was mortified, horrified, and angry and felt totally out of control. How bloody dare he? Did he not know how important this was to me? Had he missed the last few months totally? I felt in turmoil. Instead of trying to discuss this in an adult fashion and try and patiently explain, I reacted like a four year old. Drama queen kicking in “I am so disappointed in you” I said “You know how important this is to me, It has to be done like this, I have to control it and plan it” He didn’t seem to get it! I never get a chance to cook he said, I like cooking too, I never have a choice in this. I was evil, I wanted to slap him, I could feel the anger bubbling up, there was no way I could compromise on this, and this meant everything to me. We can do our own thing then, I snapped, cook separately. Oh no, he didn’t want to do that! By this point I was feeling really disempowered, overwhelmed and distressed and I did the only thing I know what to do in this type of circumstance. I burst in to tears and sobbed. (Which was very good for me incidentally as I never do that.) I think Owen was both confused and taken aback by this reaction, I tried to make him see, I tried to make him understand what a big deal this was to me, how much he had hurt me by this mere suggestion and apologized for my reaction. He was very sweet and came to give me a cuddle and explained that he was not criticizing me just simply asking to be a bit more involved. I explained again that he can’t be not at this early stage. This is a lifelong disorder and I have to control it myself for the time being. Perhaps he needs to accept this himself and perhaps this is part of his codependency that he cannot let go of. The rest of the week passed uneventful enough. I enjoyed the Christmas meal at the Clink, the food was delicious my vegetarian main course was amazing and I was able to laugh at myself when the others had their very fancy puddings and I gazed down at my cheese and biscuits. Really missed some absent friends and they have been in my thoughts and prayers this week. This week is going to be both a learning curve and a test of my reserve and will, it will give me a chance to really put everything I have learnt in the programme together. My reservations oddly enough are more around work than home, I can control what comes in to my home food wise, I can tell friends and family not to buy me sweets or chocolate as I don’t eat them anymore and I feel safe within that plan. Work is slightly trickier as temptation abounds, there will be boxes and tins of sweets given by grateful relatives, patients and staff. It’s a day for indulgence if you let it be. In the past Christmas was always a great excuse for total over-indulgence in every aspect of my addictions, I would really take the statement ‘eat, drink and be merry’ to the edge and back. Now I will accept that it’s not an option for me anymore. I can’t do “Oh, I’ll just have one” I never have been able to and I never will be able to. I still have that addict thinking, “What’s the point of having one?” So the plan is Food plan Don’t take the first bite Follow the programme Share Go to meetings Blog Stay safe, walk away Phone or text someone And remember that this too shall pass Happy Christmas xxxxxxxxxxxxx Julie