Blog 7th to 13th December 2014. The highs & lows that constitute Recovery

Blog 7th to the 13th of December 2014 What a roller coaster of a week. It started badly and ending triumphantly ever reminding me that things do pass. Last Sunday I was in a foul mood, really beating myself up and giving myself a hard time. I felt fat ugly and useless. I had tried on various items of clothing that made me feel like orca the whale and was having a miserable old time torturing myself, criticising myself and generally pulling myself apart. I stood in front of the mirror grabbing rolls of fat feeling what only can be described as rage and revulsion. And I just couldn’t seem to snap out of it. In short I was giving myself a very tough time. I tried to inject positivity but was just not getting it. I think the trigger could have been that I ate a Chinese takeaway on the Saturday night. We had returned from the Living Room trip to Bath and decided to get a takeaway. I didn’t particularly over eat, I ate at the table, I just had this creeping guilty feeling that I didn't want to have. I batted it away on the Sunday night but then it came roaring back on the Sunday. I shared it with my partner who was wonderfully patient and understanding as always. When I feel like this, it helps to share deep insecurities - not for reassurance or flattery but because to keep them to myself is very damaging. It’s also damaging in that I can go from this rage to a binge. Not rational at all, totally insane but that’s addiction for you. Monday was slightly better, I continued to feel a bit iffy and went to OA and shared honestly which was helpful. Tuesday I was able to share at the Living Room; that meeting did me the power of good in terms of humility. I sat and listened to some of the others and recognised and realised that insecurity and self-loathing are at the root of this illness and I have to take action to change this. The Tree of Hope was on Wednesday and I felt so grateful and happy to be a part of it and see all my other mates in recovery doing well and expressing their love and compassion for our second family and second home. The curry was delicious and I was able to eat it without panic or guilt or even thinking too much about it as I felt content and safe. We had an inspection in work this week which went fantastically well, so by Thursday I was up and running again. It was lovely to receive some positive feedback as we have worked so hard to develop the hospital. Friday I had another test. It was the company’s Christmas do, and the first time I had been able to attend a work function since getting into recovery. I was so nervous beforehand - again trying on about five different outfits, getting into a fluster and self-doubts creeping in. I kept talking to myself, reassuring myself and telling myself it was all going to be alright and that I would enjoy myself. I also had a firm chat with my higher power and asked to be helped to just to be myself. I decided to drive to pick up a colleague so she could have a drink and I could take her home. This was a great action plan as she was thrilled and I felt good helping someone out. I ended up having a good night. I was able to happily refuse drinks even though we were offered loads (there’s only so much lemonade a girl can drink). I didn’t think too much about drinking but it’s incredible how many people comment on the fact that you’re not drinking, offering sympathetic looks and nodding sadly saying “Driving eh? Bad luck” and “Oh, your working tomorrow are you?” I felt remarkably calm when I was there and remarkably glad that I didn’t have to go through all that malarkey. At the end of the night people were loud, inappropriately touchy-feely and being very boring. Instead of feeling jealous that I was missing out, I thought positively, I didn’t have to go through all the embarrassment the indignity the shame the hangover the avoiding people and the stress and worry that follow a binge. I wasn’t constantly up and down to the bar. I could just sit and be me. That is the greatest gift of all. I was me and I was OK with that. My other concern is my daughter, she’s been going through a tough time recently and she’s smoking cannabis heavily again. I cannot stop her. She has to take responsibility for herself. I have to hand my frustration and anger over. I cannot fix this. I have to accept that it is her life. It hurts, it hurts to see her suffering the same way as I did, struggling with life, sensitive, wanting to forget and push those awkward and horrible feelings away by eating and taking drugs. One thing I am sure of is that I am not going to enable her. Her life’s her own responsibility. For that I need to be strong and use the love and support that Living Room Cardiff's Family Support group offers. Julie