All of a sudden, however, things had changed

One aspect of my recovery that worried me very much was my self-seeking. I was still envious of other peoples’ success; wanted to earn more money than anybody else; and wanted to be more successful than other people.

This self-seeking, incidentally, was totally outside of my control and all I could do was accept it. After all, I’d long ago learnt that I had to accept myself ‘warts and all’ – that’s how I overcame my alcoholism in the first place, by accepting what I was and recognising my need of help. But thirteen years down the line and my self-seeking was as potent as ever and immune, it seemed to me, even to ‘acceptance’.

All of a sudden, however, things had changed. Once my decision was made to access a college course on Addictions Counselling and to become a "giver" instead of a "taker" – I felt different, somehow. The best way I can explain it is that I felt as if I’d come off the back of a wild horse that I’d been riding for the past 57 years. All of a sudden I knew I wasn’t in competition with anyone else any more; and what had seemed so important to me once – money, prestige, success - had, all of a sudden, lost their lustre.

Miraculously, my whole outlook on life had changed. That’s one of the promises that’s made to alcoholics like me if we work hard at our recovery – ‘Self-seeking will fade away’ –; but I genuinely never thought for one moment that it would happen to me – after all I was no saint. Out also, finally, went my fear of people – no longer tied to this inhibiting fear of ‘what people thought of me’, I could now begin to enjoy the exquisite freedom to be the authentic me - to be true to nature.