The wholeness and peace I had been yearning for

Hiding from the truth of myself had become such a habit that I did not know how to do anything else. Step 5 allowed me to honestly face the truth about myself.

The words of a song by Adrian Snell describe very well the way I had been feeling for such a long time before I took Step. 5 I am writing them out in the hope that others might relate to them and perhaps wish to go through the process - which for me brought about the wholeness and peace I had been yearning for and seeking for such a long time:

Many times I've been smiling
When inside I've been crying,
I've been shaking hands with people
Who just didn't know my pain

Many times I've been walking
When inside I've been running,
I've been standing in the sunshine
But could only feel the rain

Lord, I'm weary
I've got nothing more to hide,
And I've had my share of turning
Turning with the tide

Many times I've been winning
When inside I was losing -
Well, I liked to hear the cheering
But it didn't ease my mind

Many times I've been leaving
When inside I was staying,
Often wished the road before me
Was the one I left behind

Lord, I'm weary
That is why my head is bowed,
And I've had my share of running
Running with the crowd

I've had my share of reaching out
But never really touching,
Lord, let me feel the healing touch
Of Jesus in my soul

I've had my share of crying out
But never really praying -
Lord, I want to say I'm sorry, will you
Come and make me whole

Many times I was loving
But inside I was hating,
And I didn't know the reason
Nor who should take the blame

There were times when I was looking
But I just wasn't finding,
I was hearing all the answers
But the questions still remained

Lord, I'm weary
There was nothing left to find
And I've had my share of blowing
Blowing in the wind

As I typed the above words, my hands have been shaking on the keyboard and my heart is thudding. I am overcome with gratitude. The power of Love brought about the promised psychic and emotional shift -which would allow me to think and act in a new way. My alcohol problem was removed from me. I knew I had been forgiven and no record of my past would be kept. I was at the beginning of my new life - a life I never dreamed possible - God was doing for me what I could not do for myself.

In Step 6 and 7 I asked God to guide me for the rest of my life - to become a better person and to be able to reach out to others in a compassionate and loving way.

In Step 8 I listed all the people I had hurt- in preparation for saying sorry and making amends to them. The list was drawn up from the inventory made in Step 4.

I was now willing and ready to make my amends.

Love and prayers, Rosie