Leaving the dark place of my drinking and moving into the light of my new life has been a journey of self discovery - a journey of change - a painful journey at times - a wonderful journey - which has brought me what I was seeking most - peace.
I have come to understand that recovery is a healing process of mind body and spirit and time is an essential factor in this process. We cannot expect to recover from the illness of alcoholism or any other addiction overnight. We cannot undo the harm done in a short space of time. This is a fact which I believe is so often not recognised - people are not realising the importance of time in the recovery process.
We should be kind and good to ourselves as we would if we were recovering from any other illness - especially a life threatening illness. This can be difficult because we believe we do not deserve kindness or love - we suffer feelings of guilt and shame. I think the feelings of shame are the most difficult to cope with because they centre on self and are capable of producing the most negative thoughts about ourselves and can often make us feel physically unwell. That was my own experience at the time.
During the first week of my recovery I suffered the most terrible fear to the point where I did not want to be left on my own for even the shortest space of time. I needed someone to hold my hand and to be with me. I needed the reassurance of another human being and found that in members of my wonderful family - my family that had always been there for me.
Allowing others to help me was a new experience because I believed I could manage on my own and solve the problem myself - I KNEW IT ALL! - you could not tell me anything! Suffice to say my attitude had to change - pride had to become humility - if I wanted to be rid of my reliance on alcohol.
Well, I wanted to stop drinking more than anything - I had experienced that essential 'moment of clarity' when I just knew deep in my heart that 'the game was up'. That was the moment when the self knowledge I had held in my head for so long - the knowledge that what was happening was wrong - moved to mix with the emotions of my heart - as it has to - and I became desperate to stop. I had to admit to myself that self knowledge and will power were not enough to solve the problem - I needed to accept help. Turning to people, who were prepared to love me until I was able to love myself , the fog started to clear and I met the lady who was to guide me on my journey - taking 'baby steps' - one day at a time.
Love and prayers, Rosie
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