The most powerful thing we can ever say to another person is " I forgive you ...."

Step 3 brought the loving power of God into my life and gave me the strength and courage to honestly know myself- it is suggested this happen very shortly after taking step 3 - there is a momentum to the steps.


I now had a trickle of God's love in my life but I had to clear away the debris of my past life -which had formed a dam across the river of love - preventing me from having what I needed most - the full force of God's loving power in my life.


Could I have found the willingness, the honesty and the humility to really face looking at myself in the way suggested, if I had not had that trickle of God's love? Would I have had the courage to look at my pride, my selfishness, my resentments, my anger, my fears, my self pity, my judgement of others? Even more - would I ever have been able to admit 'the exact nature of my wrongs' 'to God, myself and another human being?' Would I be able to forgive myself and others? I had to know myself to love myself. I had to love myself to be able to reach out to others in love.


It required a lot of humility which I did not have. I believe God gave me the humility to carry out the task - the task of step4 and step5. The task which was absolutely necessary in order to bring about change in myself. The task which would allow me to put the key in the lock of the dark cell I had lived in and let myself out - I had to take the responsibility! I had to do all the work! After all, it was my recovery! No one else could do it for me! But with willingness on my part, God's love and the guidance of my sponsor - it was not the daunting task I feared it might be. Each step brings with it a little more humility.


I had to 'unpack the baggage of my life' in order to see that the problem was not alcohol at all - the problem was ME! I HAD TO CHANGE! I HAD TO CHANGE FROM THE INSIDE OUT! Step 4 and 5 of the 12Step process would allow me to do just that.


My sponsor suggested that I take a maximum of two weeks to complete Step 4. She believed that was long enough to sit in a painful place. I was after all going to admit my faults to a loving, forgiving God and the task was to be kept as simple as possible - I was not under any circumstances to 'make a big deal out of it'!


I was to look at the part I played in evey situation where I blamed someone else - leaving their behaviour out of it - I was to look at my motives, feelings, thoughts, weaknesses and the consequences of my behaviour. It needed to be a thorough examination. I was asked to write down everything that caused me to have feelings of guilt, remorse and shame - a simple list would be enough.


She then suggested that when this was completed, I make a list of all the good things I had done in my life. There needed to be a balance and it was very important to acknowledge positive behaviour.




My sponsor reminded me of the importance of HONESTY. I needed to try to the best of my ability to admit all my wrongs. The WILLINGNESS to want to achieve this outcome was the key to achieving it. She reminded me that although the task was emotionally painful, it was set to help me, not to make me feel worse and it should therefore be carried out with that in mind, in as simple a way as possible.




Writing the Step 4 list was a painful task - the real me was revealed before my eyes on paper. I had to own this me as painful as it was - the admittance of my wrongs was the SOLUTION. This admittance would bring about a spiritual awakening which would totally change my attitude towards life, towards people and towards the world.



Writing the list of the good things I had done was also difficult because the negative behaviour kept forming a barrier in my mind to screen them out. However Step 5 gave me the opportunity to go through both lists with my sponsor - to reveal to her my wrong doings and the secrets I was ashamed of and deeply sorry for.This is why it is crucial to find someone with whom you can have a trusting relationship. Step five is essential!



She was so kind and supportive and helped me to realise that I needed to find the willingness to FORGIVE - even though it was so difficult. To be willing to say "I forgive you, I forgive you for all the hurt you have ever caused me and I wish you a good life, the life you wish for yourself" is the most powerful thing we can do. By freeing that person, we free ourselves. Would I not be willing to forgive knowing I wanted to be forgiven myself? I needed to at least be willing to try.



She reminded me that her role was simply to help me get the right balance in the situations I revealed. She had the experience of being through the process herself and knew how important keeping a balance was. I was really coming before a loving God - and we had lit a tea light to be reminded of that during the process - the loving power who forgave immediately and for whom no record of past faults was ever kept.

She helped me to see that despite everything, I had been capable of doing many good things - that there is good in all of us which, when we feel so bad about ourselves, is difficult to see. I cried so much that afternoon. The process left me emotionally and physically drained and I needed to sleep. The dam across the river had been cleared and several weeks later - not immediately - a peace come over me which I had never known before - God's loving power had fully entered my heart. It was to provide me with the strength, courage and willingness to continue the process - to make amends to all those I had hurt.



Love and prayers, Rosie