I need to think of patio furniture and kindly people who try to make you feel better

Blog 9th of Feb to the 14th of Feb 2015 I had an interesting and thought-provoking OA meeting on Monday night; the reading from Lifeline (the OA book of experience strength and hope) was in turn both inspiring and very painful. The one sharing was recalling his tale of a crippling addiction to food that resulted in him staying at home for six years eating. Eating himself to death. He could see no way out, it wasn’t a choice for him and he knew no other way. His life was dominated by the thinking, the getting and the eating. What really struck me was the embarrassment and humiliation so acutely recalled by this man - his self-consciousness, humiliation and low self-esteem. Yet through all this, trying to deny that it was happening, making light of it and pretending that he was A OK with it when he was dying of shame inside. He was so large that he could not travel by car: public transport was certainly not an option and whenever he walked or went anywhere he felt that the eyes of the world were on him (which they probably were and most certainly judging). He told the story of collecting an award and feeling mortified standing on the platform knowing that he was going to be spoken about not for his work but for his enormity. He refused a lift home as he couldn’t bare the shame of not being able to fit the passenger seat, and hid behind a bush when the other cars left for fear that he would be approached again. He was stranded miles from home in sub-zero temperatures, too scared to ring a taxi and in a hopeless situation. Just by listening to his experience his shame resonated through me. I think it’s one of the most powerful shares I have heard since attending OA. Although this man’s disease had reduced him to feeling this way, he carried on for a further six years until he found the fellowship. The rest of his share was about his recovery. My identification was one of humiliation, the anxiety the fear of what other people would think. I would be embarrassed on behalf of Owen, always thinking that he was terribly ashamed to be seen with me because of my bulk. When I had the gastric band fitted I would feel guilty and ashamed eating in front of him thinking that he was watching every mouthful I shovelled in to my mouth and anticipating confrontation and a dirty look. I felt ashamed and disgusted but I kept shovelling, thinking it would take the pain away. I thought about the times when I was scared to board a plane as I feared the humiliation of the belt not fitting and the big orange one for the obese or pregnant ones around me. I was once thrown off a roller-coaster in Oakwood as I was too big to secure the safety bar. The shame burned as I had to walk past the other passengers. To add insult to injury I was with a patient who took great delight in telling the world and his wife about the incident. As usual I laughed along with them but inside it was a very different story, one of self-loathing and entrapment. Another OA member shared his fear of plastic patio furniture and how it had collapsed under him; again hilarious (just so long as it isn’t you). And the sympathy from well-meaning people: “Is your family big love?” “But you carry it well, you’re tall see.” I could be 7 foot and I still wouldn’t be the right weight for me! It’s horrible and these are the thoughts that I need to dwell on when I feel deprived or petulant or angry with my illness. I need to think of patio furniture and people who kindly try to make you feel better. Blog 15th Feb to 22nd Feb 2015 Like a sad and lonely creature I went to see 50 Shades of Grey in the cinema on its launch date. I was sat on my Jack Jones like Billy-no-mates surrounded by groups of sniggering girls and yummy Mummy’s. This film has had its fair share of controversy. There were groups of protestors at the premier calling for it to be banned and claiming that it sensationalises abuse. For my part I just saw it as a silly schoolgirl-type fantasy. “And what first attracted you to the billionaire Mr Grey, Anastasia?” What did strike me was the striking beauty both in face and body of the two actors in the main parts. This film worked because they did. Would it have worked if they had employed two moderately averagely attractive, slightly porky people to play the leads? Would it hell! There was something stagnant, sterile and empty about it. Would a young educated beautiful woman sign a contract to hand herself over to be the submissive of a dominant businessman? Well, she did get a helicopter ride, an Apple computer and a car. She also got a very sore backside, humiliation, confusion and a compulsion to keep on going back for more. Only she could change him and unlock the dark secret of why he was scared of intimacy. The ultimate in co-dependency. Dominance is never about love, it’s about exercising total power and control over another human being. It sends out a strong message that you are never going to be good enough. In reality, Mr Grey would never have fallen for Anastasia; she would have been a business arrangement, another possession, a sexual agreement. How many other women have clung on to unsuitable, unscrupulous men such as this, wasting precious years being co-dependent, losing themselves, their dignity and integrity in the process, always coming last? At the end of the film, following a particularly savage and non-erotic beating, she decides to leave him. He has crossed the line, she has the upper hand; the balance of power has changed. This is Hollywood. In Cardiff she’d be in casualty, terrified, ashamed and messed-up. I thought back to another film that I had seen years ago, this film too was sexually controversial but for totally different reasons. The film was German and it was extremely brave in that it featured graphic sex scenes, not by nubile young people but by men and women over seventy. The film was called “Cloud Nine” and unlike 50 Shades it was real. It was moving, it covered real feelings and emotions (the lead characters were embroiled in a heart-breaking affair) and it was beautiful. It was sensitively portrayed and took you on an emotional roller-coaster. It was so powerful it stayed with me for years afterwards; I can’t see the same fascination with 50 Shades. Our body image plays such a huge part in our sexuality; young women are seldom comfortable in their own skins. I was so self-conscious of my body growing up. I was always the one struggling to get changed on the beach with six towels wrapped round me, living in fear that one would drop and I’d be exposed to the world. I can remember being horribly aware of my body as a child, feeling different, less than, non-attractive and gangly, tall, buck-toothed and ashamed. I always felt ugly. I hated school photo day, I was so tall that no one knew where to place me, there would generally be a debate that concluded with me either plonked on the end like a bookend or stuck in the middle like a sore thumb. I never felt at home with my body. And I have always found it very difficult to believe that anyone would find my body attractive. Childbirth, weight gain, weight loss, varicose veins and stretch marks have all taken their toll. Mine is a body that has seen a bit of life that has been neglected and not cared for particularly well. I gained false confidence when I was drinking and using drugs, my ego would reach dizzy heights and any sense of embarrassment would fade. I hid behind substances. Today in my recovery I have to try and challenge this extremely destructive negative though- pattern daily. I must not compare myself to others (especially Hollywood actresses), I must be realistic and not set unachievable goals. I will never be 7 stone; I am six foot tall for god’s sake! I must not beat myself up and self-flagellate as I give all my power and strength away. I must not compromise my behaviour and my sexuality to please others. Sex is not love. I do not need to search for “the one” to make me feel whole. I need to find myself. To recover is to become comfortable in my own skin, to be happy with what I’ve been given, to be fit, healthy, content, to enjoy and marvel at my body, to feel the right weight for me today. To love and to be loved for me and for what and who I am. You can keep your Mr Greys! Julie