Blog 16th Feb to 22nd Feb 2015 "King Baby" makes life unbearable for everyone!

Blog 16th Feb to 22nd Feb 2015 This week I have mainly been moany, whiney, needy and really championing my inner child. I just showed that sentence to Owen and he was in wholehearted agreement with it! The trigger? having a cold, not plague, not amputation, not life threatening illness, a simple common cold! I am not very good at being under the weather; in fact I am a right royal pain in the arse. When I was using I was on so many drugs that I never really felt colds or ailments. This is the second time I’ve had a cold in recovery, the first time it came as a huge shock, I felt rotten for the first time and didn’t everyone know about it! This time it’s exactly the same, sitting on the pity pot, not following the programme properly, cutting corners, making bargains, negative head and listening to my own will. It all started last weekend when Owen went away, I started to over eat. Then I had issues with two of my children. Then the cold started, the combination of these three factors tipped me into a negative frame of mind. That is not a good place for me to be. Paranoia kicks in, then self-sabotage and self-doubt. Stress over the children affects me greatly, I feel as a mother I should be able to take their problems away and make it all better for them. I feel as though I am responsible for their pain and I need to wade in and rescue them instead of leaving well alone for them to make their own decisions - and then I get angry at them for involving me and being that way. I then didn’t tell Owen as I didn’t want him to become stressed and put pressure on him, then I got angry as I felt I was making all the decisions myself. I couldn’t be bothered to pray (didn’t see the bloody point) skipped a meeting (far too poorly and tired) then deliberately ate two pancakes with butter, maple syrup and condensed milk. The following day I sat and ate my evening meal in front of the TV making the excuse again (of being desperately ill) I have felt restless discontented and bored. I have felt unloved and unlovable and have had more faces than Big Ben with poor long-suffering Owen. I am not proud of this behaviour but I feel I need to share it as it is an honest portrayal of how difficult I can be to live with. Another thing I became angry at is that I want to go away for a week at the beginning of March. When I put this to Owen he didn’t seem mighty keen on the idea. I interpreted this as “You don’t love me and you don’t want to go away with me, AKA you are going to leave me” Tears, anger and “King Baby” behaviour followed. Owen tried to explain that the last two times I have been on holidays I have become unwell and suggested that the ‘joyous occasion’ had not been a bundle of fun for him. I was furious “This means we will never go on holidays again!” Cue Tantrum. “You just don’t want to go on holidays with me!” “You don’t want to spend time with me!” “I’ll go on my own then!” Tears, quivering lip, shouting. I tried to calm down and explain that I wanted to spend some quality time with him; I wanted a break as I felt like I was on a bit of a treadmill and could do with some time to relax and work on our relationship. I could not guarantee that I would not struggle but had an action plan and would follow a recovery programme when we were away, do some writing, step work and share some sightseeing around the area. Owen can choose where we go and it will be nice to spend a week together and become closer as a couple. Owen has agreed to this and I am grateful to have such an understanding and caring partner in my life. This week I am going to climb off my pity-pot and get back on the steps and practising the programme. Not paying lip service but putting the action in and doing the positives that make recovery so worthwhile Julie