Blog 6th of February 2015. "I'll let him discover this for himself"

Blog 6th of February 2015 I joined a writing group on Monday night and to my surprise really enjoyed it, there were about 30 people there from all walks of life. Firstly we read a poem then we were all invited to comment on it, then we had to write a piece from someone else’s perspective. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and walk around in them. This got me thinking about my addictions and how it may have seemed from Owen’s perspective. I have not shown him this piece yet; I thought I’d let him discover it for himself one day. I called it 3am. 3am It’s happened again, 3 o’clock, awake in the dark, waiting. I’m not surprised, I expect it. The fluorescent numbers on the digital clock change as I blink. I listen, nothing; just that still, deathly silence. Is she dead? I lie there and plan her funeral. She may as well be dead the notice she takes of us. How will I tell the kids? I get up, padding softly on the cold floorboards to the window, twitch the blind, below the street is empty apart from stray rubbish circulating. Tumble weed. I feel hollow, sick. Then a sound! I go to the toilet, is it her? Anger, blinking at the hall light left on by me so she can find the key to the lock, (If she’s not lost it again). Still nothing! I get back into bed, uneasy, fitful, restless, anxious, flailing about irritable, pathetic. The impending imploding sense of doom! What man would put up with this? She’s done it again the irresponsible, selfish cow. The door! I will not, cannot ask; instead I wait and churn. ********** I suppose the only feedback that’s important is Owen’s. And if it opens a door for Owen to talk, then so be it. My eating plan this week has been steady. I feel lighter on my feet. I am allowing myself to look in the mirror a little more. It’s slow and steady, my diet is healthy. I am buying healthy food that I like. If I am eating three meals a day they have to be enjoyable and balanced and that is my goal. I also need to mix them up now and again so I don’t get bored or develop food fads. Breakfast is samey but that’s fine as I don’t need to think; lunch and tea take planning but I’m trying to enjoy it, incorporate it into routine and not find it a chore. ‘I am the right weight for me’ today helps as does handing my food addiction over to a Higher Power every morning and texting my sponsor. I’m religiously doing my step-work in the Overeaters Anonymous (OA) books daily and I find this cathartic as it allows me some time out to focus on my programme. Julie