That’s what’s guiding my life at the moment. With my autobiography – ‘No Room to Live’ – due to be published on 1st March, 2010, I’m obliged to put aside my Daily Blog temporarily and concentrate on writing the final three chapters of the book. Naturally, my ongoing recovery takes precedence over everything, but I’m still able to achieve many goals around the Welsh Council on Alcohol and Other Drugs’ 3 year strategy.
This last weekend, for example, we held our first retreat on ‘Forgiveness and Healing’ at St Non’s Retreat Centre in St Davids, Pembrokeshire. And it was a joy. The number of people able to attend this weekend was limited because of lack of space, but, without exception, all our aims were achieved: 1) to create an environment to promote recovery and healing from alcoholism and other addictive illnesses for the sufferer, their families and friends (the beautiful location itself facilitated this); 2) to help identify the issues that prevent people from living life to the fullest (an inability to forgive self was the primary reason for many this weekend); and 3) to create positive lifestyles through personal responsibility and the release of emotional baggage (a lot of healing took place at St Non’s; here is a typical response):
"I feel so blessed to have shared the experience of healing this weekend with all you lovely people.
If I was ever in any doubt, I am now convinced that God really does work through people.
The love I received and the encouragement and peace along with many tears and laughs was incredible.
It’s hard when you go back to the normal world (you know with those people who don’t really understand us) and you want to share your weekend. If I had to tell the people at work this morning that I had a wonderful time sitting crying buckets and then throwing stones over a cliff, I really don’t think they would get it!!!!! Since I work for the NHS they would probably lock me up in the Psychiatric ward and be done with it.
Never mind you all know what I mean when I say the tears were so cleansing and refreshing that I feel renewed.
I feel the peace in my heart and that is a miracle. I have not had peace in my heart for a very long time. Love, Trish xx"
You’ll be able to view more similar testimonies on our website soon. Go to www.welshcouncil.org.uk.
Our next retreat will be at Coleg Trefeca from 22nd to 24th January, 2010. Trefeca is a lay training and retreat centre located in Brecon Beacons National Park in the historic home of Howell Harris. We’ll look forward to welcoming you there when we’ll attempt to cover every aspect of the weekend for your enjoyment and satisfaction. Our desire will be to ensure also that the weekend is inclusive and does not isolate anyone, offend or cause any obstacles.
It is our prayer that this retreat, like the one in St Non’s, will be another landmark and stepping stone in your life’s journey. We hope it will be inspirational, challenging and the utmost in fine fellowship. If there is anything that we can help you with over the weekend, all you have to do is ask and we will do all that we can to assist. All that we ask is that you keep an open mind, relax and enjoy the weekend.
We also have a huge fundraising event on 25th October, 2009. Theatr Ieuenctid Maldwyn, a music and theatre group comprising 350 young people and based in mid Wales, will perform a compilation from their shows over the last 25 years at St David’s Hall in Cardiff.
This group have produced many shows including Myfi Yw and Pum diwrnod o rhyddid. They have been produced by Linda Gittins, Derec Williams and Penri Roberts. Now THIS IS THE GOOD NEWS. The event is being orgainsed to raise money to support the Welsh Council’s efforts to establish the LIVING ROOM CARDIFF/YSTAFELL FYW CAERDYDD – a free, bilingual day-care rehabilitation centre incorporating structured programmes for anyone experiencing difficulty relating to alcohol, drugs (prescribed or illicit), or any other dependency.
The new centre will open in April, 2011.
We are indeed indebted to these young people for supporting our efforts in this way. So get your tickets friends – this will be a night to remember. (You can acess more information about THE LIVING ROOM CARDIFF/YSTAFELL FYW CAERDYDD by going to our webisite www.welshcouncil.org.uk and clicking on ‘Day-Care Centre’
You can also access further information about the fundraising event from www.stdavidshallcardiff.co.uk
As you can see, we’ve got a very busy period ahead of us – as we continue to promote ‘Choice and Responsible Living’ in relation to alcohol and other drugs.
(My every best wish, Wynford).
Thursday, 3 September 2009
Thursday, 20 August 2009
I burst into tears like a two-year old
I felt under pressure on this one particular day; I had to take part in a very important television interview later in the afternoon and the demands on my time from others who expected immediate attention was becoming unreasonable (but not unbearable). I felt heaviness around my eyes and temple, the kind of heaviness one experiences when you want to cry. And yet I had no reason to want to cry. On the contrary, I’d never felt so much happiness and contentment in my life as I’d been experiencing lately. Was it, perhaps, I wondered, because I had forgotten the importance of leaving a margin on the page of my busy life? Had I been forgetting to give myself some “me” time?
I entered my office and wondered why I felt stressed. For some reason, I was drawn to my bookshelf and to a recent purchase I’d made when the Logos Hope Ship had visited Cardiff - The Life Recovery Bible. A few years ago I was given The Life Recovery Bible as a gift by a friend of mine. Alas, at the time I was still very much a “people pleaser” and had given it to my local church minister, telling him that I felt sure he’d find more use for it than me. I’d always regretted doing than. And when the minister died recently I asked his widow whether the Recovery Bible was still in his library. After a thorough search she informed me it was not.
A few weeks later, however, I visited, with my granddaughters, the Logos Hope Ship in Cardiff dock – a floating source of knowledge, help and hope - and there, in one corner, was a copy of The Life Recovery Bible. I immediately purchased it; and have treasured this purchase ever since.
In my office that morning, I reached for The Life Recovery Bible and flicked through its 1728 pages. For some reason, my finger settled on Numbers 23: verses 18 to 24 (page 204). And I read aloud the following:
‘This was the message Balaam delivered:
“Rise up, Balak, and listen!
Hear me, son of Zippor.
God is not a man, so he does not lie.
He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
Has he ever promised and not carried it through?
Listen, I received a command to bless;
God has blessed, and I cannot reverse it!
No misfortune is in his plan for Jacob;
No trouble is in store for Israel.
For the Lord their God is with them;
He has been proclaimed their king.
God brought them out of Egypt;
For them he is as strong as a wild ox.
No curse can touch Jacob;
No magic has any power against Israel.
For now it will be said of Jacob,
‘What wonders God has done for Israel!’
But well before I’d finished reading the verses, I had burst into tears like a two-year old – tears that led to a deep, deep sobbing. And I found myself mumbling through my tears, “Forgive me Lord; forgive me for not trusting you enough.”
Immediately I was filled with a profound feeling of wellbeing. I knew that everything would be alright. And I knew deep within my soul that I was capable, with God’s help, of confronting the burden of being human. I knew, if God was for me - who possibly could be against me?’
The rest of the day went as it was meant to go – perfectly.
To date, God has never let me down. After that experience in my office that morning, I know he never will.
****************
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
I entered my office and wondered why I felt stressed. For some reason, I was drawn to my bookshelf and to a recent purchase I’d made when the Logos Hope Ship had visited Cardiff - The Life Recovery Bible. A few years ago I was given The Life Recovery Bible as a gift by a friend of mine. Alas, at the time I was still very much a “people pleaser” and had given it to my local church minister, telling him that I felt sure he’d find more use for it than me. I’d always regretted doing than. And when the minister died recently I asked his widow whether the Recovery Bible was still in his library. After a thorough search she informed me it was not.
A few weeks later, however, I visited, with my granddaughters, the Logos Hope Ship in Cardiff dock – a floating source of knowledge, help and hope - and there, in one corner, was a copy of The Life Recovery Bible. I immediately purchased it; and have treasured this purchase ever since.
In my office that morning, I reached for The Life Recovery Bible and flicked through its 1728 pages. For some reason, my finger settled on Numbers 23: verses 18 to 24 (page 204). And I read aloud the following:
‘This was the message Balaam delivered:
“Rise up, Balak, and listen!
Hear me, son of Zippor.
God is not a man, so he does not lie.
He is not human, so he does not change his mind.
Has he ever spoken and failed to act?
Has he ever promised and not carried it through?
Listen, I received a command to bless;
God has blessed, and I cannot reverse it!
No misfortune is in his plan for Jacob;
No trouble is in store for Israel.
For the Lord their God is with them;
He has been proclaimed their king.
God brought them out of Egypt;
For them he is as strong as a wild ox.
No curse can touch Jacob;
No magic has any power against Israel.
For now it will be said of Jacob,
‘What wonders God has done for Israel!’
But well before I’d finished reading the verses, I had burst into tears like a two-year old – tears that led to a deep, deep sobbing. And I found myself mumbling through my tears, “Forgive me Lord; forgive me for not trusting you enough.”
Immediately I was filled with a profound feeling of wellbeing. I knew that everything would be alright. And I knew deep within my soul that I was capable, with God’s help, of confronting the burden of being human. I knew, if God was for me - who possibly could be against me?’
The rest of the day went as it was meant to go – perfectly.
To date, God has never let me down. After that experience in my office that morning, I know he never will.
****************
Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright 1996, 2004. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.
Thursday, 13 August 2009
Prayer, Gratitude, Acceptance - emotional balance
Last time I wrote about my recovery journey I said that the daily practice of prayer - asking for guidance for my life and the power to use that guidance - has given me an inner strength. This is step 11 of the 12Step programme. Together with keeping a watch on my behaviour and having the desire to put things right immediately - step 10 - I am able to accept life on a daily basis no matter what it brings.
I am able to stay emotionally balanced which is essential for growing in recovery. I need to be able to control my emotions otherwise they will control me - it is the daily practice of prayer and meditation which helps me to do this.
The other essential part of this daily practice is GRATITUDE! - being grateful for everything I have. I need to be truly grateful every day. The practice of gratitude can transform a negative situation immediately. Making a mental list of everything to be grateful for or even better, writing out a list of everything to be grateful for, can TRANSFORM a situation. It puts things in perspective and calms the emotions. Personally I have never known it to fail. So prayer plus gratitude allows acceptance of whatever life brings which keeps the emotions balanced - essential for recovery.
This daily practice is what I suggest as being ESSENTIAL for growing in recovery and enjoying the wonderful new life which replaces the nightmare of addiction. For me it is an absolute must and I would not dream of going one day without it - why would I when I know the benefits it brings - inner peace, joy and happiness.
I mentioned meditation - for me it is simply a time of silence. I make time to simply sit for a short time every day in silence placing myself in the presence of the loving power of God. This is the listening part of the prayer conversation - allowing God to speak to my heart. I make time for developing my relationship with God. The time of silence allows me to reflect and become aware of myself and my relationship with others. I need this time to detach from the activity of life and just 'be'. This is the suggestion of step 11.
There have been many times in my recovery when I have been presented with very difficult emotional situations which would in the past certainly have resulted in me relieving the pain through alcohol - now when I am in great emotional pain I turn for consolation and strength to the loving power of God instead.
Probably the most difficult situation I have coped with to date in recovery was the sudden death of my youngest sister. We were very close and we often used to meet during her lunch break. We met on the Tuesday and enjoyed being together - she was full of fun and we talked about a wedding she was going to the following week. Little did I know that when I said good bye to her that day that it would be the last good bye. She died in her sleep that night.
I had been given the opportunity to make amends to her - to say sorry for all the awful times that I had behaved badly towards her - and she had forgiven me totally. Please, if you are reading this and there is someone you need to forgive or reconcile with, I urge you to do it today - right now - because tomorrow may be too late.
I went to see my sister in the chapel of rest. I told her how much I loved her and how I would miss her and was truly made aware of how short life is and of how we should try to be kind to each other. It brought home to me the futility of being angry, resentful, of holding on to grudges.
As I checked my phone for messages a short time after my sister's death, I came to the message she had sent me that Tuesday evening - it ended with the words 'I love you'. I love you to my darling sister and I miss you so much.
Love and prayers, Rosie
I am able to stay emotionally balanced which is essential for growing in recovery. I need to be able to control my emotions otherwise they will control me - it is the daily practice of prayer and meditation which helps me to do this.
The other essential part of this daily practice is GRATITUDE! - being grateful for everything I have. I need to be truly grateful every day. The practice of gratitude can transform a negative situation immediately. Making a mental list of everything to be grateful for or even better, writing out a list of everything to be grateful for, can TRANSFORM a situation. It puts things in perspective and calms the emotions. Personally I have never known it to fail. So prayer plus gratitude allows acceptance of whatever life brings which keeps the emotions balanced - essential for recovery.
This daily practice is what I suggest as being ESSENTIAL for growing in recovery and enjoying the wonderful new life which replaces the nightmare of addiction. For me it is an absolute must and I would not dream of going one day without it - why would I when I know the benefits it brings - inner peace, joy and happiness.
I mentioned meditation - for me it is simply a time of silence. I make time to simply sit for a short time every day in silence placing myself in the presence of the loving power of God. This is the listening part of the prayer conversation - allowing God to speak to my heart. I make time for developing my relationship with God. The time of silence allows me to reflect and become aware of myself and my relationship with others. I need this time to detach from the activity of life and just 'be'. This is the suggestion of step 11.
There have been many times in my recovery when I have been presented with very difficult emotional situations which would in the past certainly have resulted in me relieving the pain through alcohol - now when I am in great emotional pain I turn for consolation and strength to the loving power of God instead.
Probably the most difficult situation I have coped with to date in recovery was the sudden death of my youngest sister. We were very close and we often used to meet during her lunch break. We met on the Tuesday and enjoyed being together - she was full of fun and we talked about a wedding she was going to the following week. Little did I know that when I said good bye to her that day that it would be the last good bye. She died in her sleep that night.
I had been given the opportunity to make amends to her - to say sorry for all the awful times that I had behaved badly towards her - and she had forgiven me totally. Please, if you are reading this and there is someone you need to forgive or reconcile with, I urge you to do it today - right now - because tomorrow may be too late.
I went to see my sister in the chapel of rest. I told her how much I loved her and how I would miss her and was truly made aware of how short life is and of how we should try to be kind to each other. It brought home to me the futility of being angry, resentful, of holding on to grudges.
As I checked my phone for messages a short time after my sister's death, I came to the message she had sent me that Tuesday evening - it ended with the words 'I love you'. I love you to my darling sister and I miss you so much.
Love and prayers, Rosie
Tuesday, 4 August 2009
Growing in a wonderful new life......
The last time I wrote about my recovery journey through the 12Step programme I had completed Step 9 to the best of my ability - I had said sorry to all those I had hurt.
I had now earned the wonderful new life expressed in 'the promises' of the programme. All the promises have come true for me as they have for thousands of other people - it still takes my breath away when I think about how much I have been given by just being willing, honest and open-minded enough to to complete a simple process! Well, my sponsor did say "It's not a big deal - just do what is suggested."
That is all it took for the desire to drink to be removed from me! WOW! INCREDIBLE - JOYOUS, HAPPY AND FREE AT LAST! AND GUESS WHAT? IT CONTINUES TO GET BETTER AND BETTER! WOW! How? By relying on the loving power of God which has come into my life to continue to be my guide in all things. The loving power which removed my alcohol problem and changed my attitude to life completely.
As promised, I have had the necessary spiritual awakening. Through a daily spiritual practice I have grown in interior strength. This has taken time! It has not happened overnight! Recovery is a healing process which takes time and through the programme, the willingness for me to ask for guidance and direction from God - on a daily basis. This practice influences my thinking, and therefore my actions, in a positive way.
Through the programme I have been given a new design for living based on patience, tolerance, kindness and love. Step 10 is really a 'mini' Step 4-9 on a daily basis. I need to be aware of my thinking and my actions and when I realise I have been at fault - be willing to put the situation right straight away. I am amazed how practice heightens awareness -the result is the conscience rarely allows anything to go unchecked!!
Incorporating this practice with Step 11 - daily prayer - and then reaching out to help others - provides the foundation for emotional balance. The latter is essential to grow in recovery - one day at a time. I will share with you next time I write how prayer has changed my life and how it gave me strength to cope during a very painful emotional experience in my recovery.
Love and prayers, Rosie
I had now earned the wonderful new life expressed in 'the promises' of the programme. All the promises have come true for me as they have for thousands of other people - it still takes my breath away when I think about how much I have been given by just being willing, honest and open-minded enough to to complete a simple process! Well, my sponsor did say "It's not a big deal - just do what is suggested."
That is all it took for the desire to drink to be removed from me! WOW! INCREDIBLE - JOYOUS, HAPPY AND FREE AT LAST! AND GUESS WHAT? IT CONTINUES TO GET BETTER AND BETTER! WOW! How? By relying on the loving power of God which has come into my life to continue to be my guide in all things. The loving power which removed my alcohol problem and changed my attitude to life completely.
As promised, I have had the necessary spiritual awakening. Through a daily spiritual practice I have grown in interior strength. This has taken time! It has not happened overnight! Recovery is a healing process which takes time and through the programme, the willingness for me to ask for guidance and direction from God - on a daily basis. This practice influences my thinking, and therefore my actions, in a positive way.
Through the programme I have been given a new design for living based on patience, tolerance, kindness and love. Step 10 is really a 'mini' Step 4-9 on a daily basis. I need to be aware of my thinking and my actions and when I realise I have been at fault - be willing to put the situation right straight away. I am amazed how practice heightens awareness -the result is the conscience rarely allows anything to go unchecked!!
Incorporating this practice with Step 11 - daily prayer - and then reaching out to help others - provides the foundation for emotional balance. The latter is essential to grow in recovery - one day at a time. I will share with you next time I write how prayer has changed my life and how it gave me strength to cope during a very painful emotional experience in my recovery.
Love and prayers, Rosie
Friday, 31 July 2009
Y wefan newydd yn "fyw"/The Welsh version of our website is now "live"
Yn union cyn dechrau'r Eisteddfod Genedlaethol yn y Bala yfory (dydd Sadwrn 1af o Awst) - ac yn ol ein haddewid - mae gwefan Cyngor Cymru ar Alcohol a Chyffuriau Eraill yn "fyw". Diolchwn i Shaun Pinney am ei holl waith caled yn cynllunio a pharatoi'r wefan. Gobeithio y bydd o ddefnydd i bawb sydd yn chwilio am wybodaeth; ac i'r rhai hynny sy'n dioddef o ganlyniad i gamddefnyddio alcohol a chyffuriau eraill - gan gynnwys aelodau o'r teulu a ffrindiau.
Mae'r wefan yn tyfu'n ddyddiol wrth inni ychwanegu at y wybodaeth sydd arni. Gellwch hefyd ddilyn ein blog dyddiol - 'Sut 'rwy'n gwella o ddibyniaeth' -; er y byddaf yn yr Eisteddfod am wythnos, ac ar wyliau am wythnos arall wedi hynny. Yn y cyfamser, bydd cyfaill imi, Rosie, yn cadw'r Blog i fynd.
Ewch i www.cyngorcymru.org.uk
Immediately prior to the beginning of the National Eisteddfod tomorrow (Saturday, 1st August) - and, as we promised - the Welsh Council on Alcohol and Other Drugs' new website is "live". We thank Shaun Pinney for all his hard work designing and preparing the website. We hope it will be useful to those seeking information; and to those suffering as a consequence of alcohol and other drugs' misuse - including members of their families and friends.
The site grows daily as we add to the information contained on it. You can also follow our daily Blog -'How I'm recovering from addiction' -; although I'll be attending the Eisteddfod this coming week, and on holiday the following week. In the meantime, my friend, Rosie, will keep the Blog going.
Go to www.welshcouncil.org.uk
Mae'r wefan yn tyfu'n ddyddiol wrth inni ychwanegu at y wybodaeth sydd arni. Gellwch hefyd ddilyn ein blog dyddiol - 'Sut 'rwy'n gwella o ddibyniaeth' -; er y byddaf yn yr Eisteddfod am wythnos, ac ar wyliau am wythnos arall wedi hynny. Yn y cyfamser, bydd cyfaill imi, Rosie, yn cadw'r Blog i fynd.
Ewch i www.cyngorcymru.org.uk
Immediately prior to the beginning of the National Eisteddfod tomorrow (Saturday, 1st August) - and, as we promised - the Welsh Council on Alcohol and Other Drugs' new website is "live". We thank Shaun Pinney for all his hard work designing and preparing the website. We hope it will be useful to those seeking information; and to those suffering as a consequence of alcohol and other drugs' misuse - including members of their families and friends.
The site grows daily as we add to the information contained on it. You can also follow our daily Blog -'How I'm recovering from addiction' -; although I'll be attending the Eisteddfod this coming week, and on holiday the following week. In the meantime, my friend, Rosie, will keep the Blog going.
Go to www.welshcouncil.org.uk
Saturday, 25 July 2009
Ian C.
A few years ago I went to a World Convention for recovering alcoholics in Minneapolis in America. On the Saturday night, instead of going to the Edgar-Hoover Convention Centre with the other seventy thousand or so recovering alcoholics, I went to the Catholic Cathedral with my friend Stuart. The priest was talking about the woman in the Bible who was haemorrhaging and who touched the mantle of Jesus Christ in the sure knowledge that she’d be cured. Christ felt the power flow out of him if you remember - and, from amongst the throngs of people surrounding him, He turned and asked, “Who touched me? Who touched me? Who touched me?” And the priest compared that woman’s faith to the faith of the alcoholic. He said this, “We in the church believe God exists. Alcoholics, and there are seventy thousand of them in Minneapolis this weekend, they know He exists!”
One such person who knew God existed was Ian C – a stalwart of the recovery meetings in Cardiff. I went to see him a few months ago in hospital on a Sunday afternoon – he looked emaciated. The cancer had certainly got hold of him. He asked me how I was, and then he asked me about my family. He always did that. Ian C was always more concerned about the other person rather than himself. And then he talked about his “only concern in life” – which was to try and stop his sister from travelling all the way from America to visit him. “It’s far too long a journey for her to undertake, Wynford”, he said. “I’ll be alright, and she knows that.”
And then he started talked about his father who had died the previous year in his late eighties. Indeed, all Ian’s uncles, were in their late eighties, as well – one, even reaching the ripe old age of ninety two, I think he said. And Ian had got to thinking, “Maybe I’ve got an extra thirty years or so of life ahead of me too! I’d even started planning what I was going to do with those extra thirty years,” he laughed. “Never assume anything in life Wynford”, he said – “learn that lesson. Never take anything for granted.” and he patted respectfully his stomach where the cancer lay.
I then asked him if he felt cheated out of those extra thirty years of life, because of the cancer. “Not at all”, he said, “not at all. I’ve already had twenty five extra years of life through this recovery programme, Wynford”, he said. “Twenty five extra years of sober living which have been beyond my wildest dreams, and which I would never have had if it weren’t for this wonderful programme of ours.”
A consummate chess player, Ian had played and won at the game of life, as well. The cancer had no power over him – none whatsoever; and neither did death – which was so obviously his next and final challenge. Death, as Dylan Thomas said, had no dominion over Ian - none whatsoever.
I’d brought him a present that day to make him feel better. However, I was the one who was feeling better by the time I left. I was the one who’d been given the present as well – a gift to me from Ian.
The following week my wife and I went to Prague – courtesy of my God-given recovery from alcoholism. I wouldn’t have had a marriage if it weren’t for that recovery! We went to concerts and listened to music by Mozart, Grug and Stravinski. And then the following week we went to a time-share we have in St David’s in Pembrokeshire with our two little grandchildren – again, courtesy of my ongoing recovery. They wouldn’t be able to say ‘We’ve never seen Taid drink’, if it weren’t for that ongoing miraculous recovery. We visited the Dinosaurs that week in Tenby, and went to the sea-side and we laughed, and laughed, and laughed and we had so much fun. And then on Good Friday we went to a family service in St David’s Cathedral. And after the service, the Bishop came past in a grand procession – and he stopped, made the sign of the cross towards us - and blessed us as a family. And I thought to myself, little does he know how blessed we already are. …. And that’s when Ian’s face came into my mind. He was smiling – and there was a special aura about him – an aura of perfect peace and tranquillity. And then his face vanished as quickly as it had appeared. I resolved, there and then, to visit him on my return - for I knew he’d been moved to a hospice in Penarth – Stuart, in fact, had told me so.
On bank holiday Monday, we went for a picnic to Cosmeston Lakes, and on the way home I called at the hospice to visit Ian. The receptionist, rather ominously, couldn’t find his name on the list of patients, so she took me to see the Staff Nurse, who led me into a small ante-room at the back, and sat me down. “I’m afraid to have to tell you that your friend died on Good Friday”, she said.
I think she was expecting me to be sad. I wasn’t. On the contrary, I felt overjoyed for Ian – for him to be at one, at last, with his God who meant so much to him. And I felt privileged to have known him – because he was one of those alcoholics who knew that God existed. He had also, I knew, touched the mantle of Jesus Christ. And Christ, feeling the power flow out of Him, had turned, and from amongst the throngs of people surrounding him, had asked, “Who touched me? Who touched me? Who touched me?”
Ian C touched you Lord. And because of that he touched me and the lives of countless other people inside and outside the recovery movement. He was a man blessed with extraordinary humility. And he carried the message of recovery and hope right up to, and beyond the grave.
I had to ask the Nurse one final question. “Did his sister eventually arrive from America?”
“Yes” she said “she arrived an hour before he died. It was as if he was hanging on - waiting to say his final farewell.”
“And was he able to say anything to her?”
“He mumbled something about, “You shouldn’t have come - I’m going to be alright.”
Oh, and the present he gave me that Sunday afternoon in the hospital ward in Cardiff? It was this poem – something he’s come across in one of his readings – and something he wanted me to have. With your permission, I’ll share it with you. It’s a poem by Kara di Giovanne.
COMES THE DAWN by Kara di Giovanne
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a heart and chaining a soul;
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security;
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child;
And you learn to build all your roads on today -
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
And after a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much;
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong…
That you really have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With each goodbye you learn…...
One such person who knew God existed was Ian C – a stalwart of the recovery meetings in Cardiff. I went to see him a few months ago in hospital on a Sunday afternoon – he looked emaciated. The cancer had certainly got hold of him. He asked me how I was, and then he asked me about my family. He always did that. Ian C was always more concerned about the other person rather than himself. And then he talked about his “only concern in life” – which was to try and stop his sister from travelling all the way from America to visit him. “It’s far too long a journey for her to undertake, Wynford”, he said. “I’ll be alright, and she knows that.”
And then he started talked about his father who had died the previous year in his late eighties. Indeed, all Ian’s uncles, were in their late eighties, as well – one, even reaching the ripe old age of ninety two, I think he said. And Ian had got to thinking, “Maybe I’ve got an extra thirty years or so of life ahead of me too! I’d even started planning what I was going to do with those extra thirty years,” he laughed. “Never assume anything in life Wynford”, he said – “learn that lesson. Never take anything for granted.” and he patted respectfully his stomach where the cancer lay.
I then asked him if he felt cheated out of those extra thirty years of life, because of the cancer. “Not at all”, he said, “not at all. I’ve already had twenty five extra years of life through this recovery programme, Wynford”, he said. “Twenty five extra years of sober living which have been beyond my wildest dreams, and which I would never have had if it weren’t for this wonderful programme of ours.”
A consummate chess player, Ian had played and won at the game of life, as well. The cancer had no power over him – none whatsoever; and neither did death – which was so obviously his next and final challenge. Death, as Dylan Thomas said, had no dominion over Ian - none whatsoever.
I’d brought him a present that day to make him feel better. However, I was the one who was feeling better by the time I left. I was the one who’d been given the present as well – a gift to me from Ian.
The following week my wife and I went to Prague – courtesy of my God-given recovery from alcoholism. I wouldn’t have had a marriage if it weren’t for that recovery! We went to concerts and listened to music by Mozart, Grug and Stravinski. And then the following week we went to a time-share we have in St David’s in Pembrokeshire with our two little grandchildren – again, courtesy of my ongoing recovery. They wouldn’t be able to say ‘We’ve never seen Taid drink’, if it weren’t for that ongoing miraculous recovery. We visited the Dinosaurs that week in Tenby, and went to the sea-side and we laughed, and laughed, and laughed and we had so much fun. And then on Good Friday we went to a family service in St David’s Cathedral. And after the service, the Bishop came past in a grand procession – and he stopped, made the sign of the cross towards us - and blessed us as a family. And I thought to myself, little does he know how blessed we already are. …. And that’s when Ian’s face came into my mind. He was smiling – and there was a special aura about him – an aura of perfect peace and tranquillity. And then his face vanished as quickly as it had appeared. I resolved, there and then, to visit him on my return - for I knew he’d been moved to a hospice in Penarth – Stuart, in fact, had told me so.
On bank holiday Monday, we went for a picnic to Cosmeston Lakes, and on the way home I called at the hospice to visit Ian. The receptionist, rather ominously, couldn’t find his name on the list of patients, so she took me to see the Staff Nurse, who led me into a small ante-room at the back, and sat me down. “I’m afraid to have to tell you that your friend died on Good Friday”, she said.
I think she was expecting me to be sad. I wasn’t. On the contrary, I felt overjoyed for Ian – for him to be at one, at last, with his God who meant so much to him. And I felt privileged to have known him – because he was one of those alcoholics who knew that God existed. He had also, I knew, touched the mantle of Jesus Christ. And Christ, feeling the power flow out of Him, had turned, and from amongst the throngs of people surrounding him, had asked, “Who touched me? Who touched me? Who touched me?”
Ian C touched you Lord. And because of that he touched me and the lives of countless other people inside and outside the recovery movement. He was a man blessed with extraordinary humility. And he carried the message of recovery and hope right up to, and beyond the grave.
I had to ask the Nurse one final question. “Did his sister eventually arrive from America?”
“Yes” she said “she arrived an hour before he died. It was as if he was hanging on - waiting to say his final farewell.”
“And was he able to say anything to her?”
“He mumbled something about, “You shouldn’t have come - I’m going to be alright.”
Oh, and the present he gave me that Sunday afternoon in the hospital ward in Cardiff? It was this poem – something he’s come across in one of his readings – and something he wanted me to have. With your permission, I’ll share it with you. It’s a poem by Kara di Giovanne.
COMES THE DAWN by Kara di Giovanne
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a heart and chaining a soul;
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security;
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises.
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head held up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman not the grief of a child;
And you learn to build all your roads on today -
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
And futures have a way of falling down mid-flight.
And after a while you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much;
So you plant your own garden and decorate
Your own soul, instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong…
That you really have worth…
And you learn and learn…
With each goodbye you learn…...
Monday, 20 July 2009
The Willingness to say Sorry.....
Continuing on my journey into recovery I arrived at Step 9 of the 12Steps.
In Step 8 I had made a list of all the people I had hurt and now I was willing to go to them - where this was possible - and say sorry.
I met with my sponsor to seek guidance on the best way to approach making my amends. It was important that I listened to her suggestion. She knew who I had hurt and in what context - through receiving my Step 5. Drawing also from her own experience - she was able to give wise suggestion as to how I might approach each person concerned.
I needed to be sure that the approach would not cause further hurt. I needed to consider the time and the place. I needed to take into account the suggestion of Step 9 that the apology be in the presence of the person where ever possible.
I was reminded that I needed to be cautious - this is where the suggestion of my sponsor was so valuable. Together we decided on whom I could approach right away and on whom it would be better to approach at a later date.
I never would have thought it possible that I would be willing to apologise to the people I had hurt because up until I was willing to look at the part I played in the situation - I had always blamed them! Each step brings a little more humility!
I found the willingness through allowing the power of love into my life in Step 3. I found the willingness because I had felt the power of that love in Step 4 and 5 - I had been forgiven and received love.
Through this I became willing to reach out in a loving way to those I had hurt and say sorry. Again, willingness is the key - if the willingness is there - even if we cannot make amends right away - the promises of Step 9 will be fulfilled. I cannot put into words the transformation this process has made to myself, to my relationships and to my life - it is impossible! The promises -as outlined in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - have come true for me - I have been given a new life - a life I never dreamed possible.
The Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Saying sorry was just the beginning of the process of establishing trust between those I had hurt - mainly my family who were so wonderfully forgiving and loving towards me. The process is one of healing for all concerned - and that takes time. It is a process that cannot be hurried. It is a process that continues - one day at a time. It is a process that moves me to tears of gratitude so easily. Thank you God for everything you have done for me and for everything you continue to do.
I now had to look at how I was going to grow in this new life - I had reached Step 10.
In Step 8 I had made a list of all the people I had hurt and now I was willing to go to them - where this was possible - and say sorry.
I met with my sponsor to seek guidance on the best way to approach making my amends. It was important that I listened to her suggestion. She knew who I had hurt and in what context - through receiving my Step 5. Drawing also from her own experience - she was able to give wise suggestion as to how I might approach each person concerned.
I needed to be sure that the approach would not cause further hurt. I needed to consider the time and the place. I needed to take into account the suggestion of Step 9 that the apology be in the presence of the person where ever possible.
I was reminded that I needed to be cautious - this is where the suggestion of my sponsor was so valuable. Together we decided on whom I could approach right away and on whom it would be better to approach at a later date.
I never would have thought it possible that I would be willing to apologise to the people I had hurt because up until I was willing to look at the part I played in the situation - I had always blamed them! Each step brings a little more humility!
I found the willingness through allowing the power of love into my life in Step 3. I found the willingness because I had felt the power of that love in Step 4 and 5 - I had been forgiven and received love.
Through this I became willing to reach out in a loving way to those I had hurt and say sorry. Again, willingness is the key - if the willingness is there - even if we cannot make amends right away - the promises of Step 9 will be fulfilled. I cannot put into words the transformation this process has made to myself, to my relationships and to my life - it is impossible! The promises -as outlined in the book of Alcoholics Anonymous - have come true for me - I have been given a new life - a life I never dreamed possible.
The Promises
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Saying sorry was just the beginning of the process of establishing trust between those I had hurt - mainly my family who were so wonderfully forgiving and loving towards me. The process is one of healing for all concerned - and that takes time. It is a process that cannot be hurried. It is a process that continues - one day at a time. It is a process that moves me to tears of gratitude so easily. Thank you God for everything you have done for me and for everything you continue to do.
I now had to look at how I was going to grow in this new life - I had reached Step 10.
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