NEVER SURRENDER

NEVER SURRENDER “We shall not flag or fail, we shall go on to the end…we shall never surrender.” Perhaps the most stirring words ever spoken by an alcoholic. Winston Spencer Leonard Churchill was in his own words, born to greatness but he had every trait necessary for addiction. Emotionally abusive parents, the abandonment of being sent away to boarding school at an early age and the problems of a prodigious intelligence confined by critical teachers and house masters. He grew into an adult who was plagued both by terrible self-doubt and delusions of grandeur; historians look upon him as a controversial figure, a hero to some and villain to others, but alcoholics and addicts can learn an immense amount from his words. In many ways, the Living Room (which partly owes its existence to the Churchill Fellowship), encapsulates his rhetoric. It is often said in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery organisations that ‘one must surrender in order to win’, and this means that to beat one’s addiction the belief that it can be controlled and measured ‘sensible’ drinking can be achieved must be abandoned. This is a view that is supported at the Living Room, but there is also a powerful fighting spirit here too, accepting our powerlessness is an essential part of recovery, but simply giving in to active addiction, accepting it as an inevitability is not. In June 1940 a few weeks after Churchill came to power and the British Army had been rescued from Dunkirk, an anxious nation looked to Churchill. They were waiting for someone to step up as leader and give a clear picture about what Britain was going to do. The war was being lost and many feared a German invasion in the coming months and believed that Britain would need to surrender or negotiate. Churchill told the nation what the plan was in one clear speech: We fight. He explained that it would be a long fight, it would have a high cost in lives, money and destruction but it would, absolutely, without question, be won - no matter what. For many addicts, simply acting out unconscious patterns time after time, their leader, their Churchill is sat on the benches, unaware that it is time to step up to the dispatch box and inspire the world. When they finally awaken to the reality of their illness, the struggle ahead, their leader arrives to take charge. This awakening happens on the sofas of the Living Room time after time, addicts awaken and instead of seeing fear, chaos and defeat they embrace recovery and scent victory over the most invidious enemy they have ever known. The counsellors and staff at the Living Room know that they are really just the support staff in this great drama, helping the addict to find themselves, their courage, resolve and strength. We know something else as well: We are going to win. The road may be hard and the struggle with addiction is not localised to Cardiff, to Wales or to Britain, but it is a worldwide phenomenon ensnaring much of humanity, but the certainty that we are going to be successful is so powerful because: We are not alone. A great, silent recovery revolution is sweeping the world, from small communities to national governments. Old ideas about punishing addiction out of the addict are gradually being replaced by an ethos based on love, compassion, understanding and solidarity. In the past it has been tempting for professionals in the addiction field to place egos, careers and pride over the real principals of helping others. This has shut professionals away from one another and treated volunteers and lay people as well-meaning encumbrances. At the Living Room we have torn down the walls and fences and want to hear from anyone who can help in the struggle ahead. If you are ready to help take addiction on and are determined not to see others surrender to its power, we would like to welcome you to join us. Addiction thrives when we are isolated, atomised, alone. It has immense power when we have none, when we fail to summon the resolution of Churchill, or we fail to summon the leader within all of us who is waiting to lead. At the moment the Living Room has a range of exciting initiatives alongside our core services to help fight addiction: * The Reaching Out Project: Equipping lay people in their communities with the skills of recovery coaching to make a real impact in the lives of addicts. * Beat The Odds: Wales’ first programme to combat the crisis of gambling addiction. * Cynnal: A bilingual service for ministers of religion across Wales who are encountering problems with addiction and unmanageable feelings. * If you want to join us, whether you are a skilled professional, a person in recovery or a volunteer who can bring energy, enthusiasm and commitment, you can contact the Living Room on: Telephone: 029 2030 2101 Email: livingroom-cardiff@cais.org.uk

Peidiwch ag ildio

PEIDIWCH BYTH AG ILDIO “Ni fyddwn ni’n cilio na’n methu, byddwn ni’n parhau hyd y diwedd … ni fyddwn byth yn ildio.” Efallai’r geiriau mwyaf cynhyrfus a fynegwyd erioed gan alcoholig. Roedd Winston Spencer Leonard Churchill, yn ei eiriau ei hun, wedi’i eni i fawredd ond roedd ganddo bob nodwedd angenrheidiol i fod yn adict. Rhieni oedd yn ei gam-drin yn emosiynol, cael ei anfon i ffwrdd i ysgol breswyl yn ifanc iawn a phroblemau deallusrwydd aruthrol wedi’i gyfyngu gan athrawon beirniadol a meistri tai. Tyfodd i fod yn oedolyn oedd yn cael ei blagio gan hunan-amheuaeth ofnadwy a rhithdybiau mawredd; mae haneswyr yn edrych arno fel ffigwr dadleuol, arwr i rai a dihiryn i eraill, ond gall alcoholigion ac adictiaid ddysgu llawer iawn o’i eiriau. Mewn nifer o ffyrdd, mae’r Stafell Fyw (sy’n bodoli’n rhannol oherwydd y Churchill Fellowship), yn crynhoi ei rethreg. Dywedir yn aml yn ystafelloedd Alcoholigion Anhysbys a sefydliadau adfer eraill, bod yn rhaid i ‘un ildio er mwyn ennill’. Mae hyn yn golygu bod yn rhaid rhoi’r gorau i’r syniad y gellir rheoli’r ddibyniaeth a dychwelyd at yfed ‘synhwyrol’ rheoledig a mesuredig. Mae hon yn farn sy’n cael ei chefnogi gan y Stafell Fyw. Ond mae ysbryd brwydro pwerus hefyd yma. Mae hwn yn derbyn bod ein diffyg pŵer yn rhan hanfodol o adfer, ond nad yw rhoi mewn i ddibyniaeth actif, ei dderbyn fel rhywbeth anochel, yn rhan hanfodol o adfer. Ym mis Mehefin 1940 ychydig wythnosau ar ôl i Churchill ddod i rym a’r Fyddin Brydeinig wedi’i hachub o Dunkirk, roedd cenedl bryderus yn edrych ar Churchill am waredigaeth. Roedden nhw’n aros am rywun i gamu ymlaen fel arweinydd a rhoi darlun clir o’r hyn yr oedd Prydain yn mynd i’w wneud. Roedd y rhyfel yn cael ei golli a nifer yn ofni ymosodiad gan yr Almaen yn y misoedd nesaf ac yn credu y byddai’n rhaid i Brydain ildio neu drafod. Dywedodd Churchill wrth y genedl beth oedd y cynllun mewn un araith glir: Rydyn ni’n mynd i ymladd. Eglurodd y byddai’n frwydr hir, byddai’r gost mewn bywydau, arian a dinistr yn uchel, ond byddai, yn ddiamau, yn cael ei hennill - beth bynnag ddigwydd i nifer o adictiaid, sy’n cyflawni yr un patrymau niweidiol dro ar ôl tro, mae eu harweinydd, eu Churchill yn eistedd ar y meinciau, yn anymwybodol ei bod yn amser i gamu i’r darllenfwrdd ac ysbrydoli’r byd. Pan fyddan nhw, o’r diwedd, yn deffro i realaeth eu salwch, y frwydr o’u blaen, mae eu harweinydd yn cyrraedd i’w harwain. Mae’r deffro hwn yn digwydd ar soffas y Stafell Fyw dro ar ôl tro - mae adictiaid yn deffro ac yn lle gweld ofn, anhrefn a gorchfygiad, maen nhw’n derbyn adfer ac yn rhagweld buddugoliaeth dros y gelyn mwyaf annymunol a welsant erioed. Mae cwnselwyr a staff y Stafell Fyw’n gwybod mai staff cefnogi ydyn nhw yn y ddrama fawr hon, i helpu’r adict i ddarganfod ei hun, ei nerth a’i benderfyniad/phenderfyniad. Gwyddom rywbeth arall hefyd: Rydyn ni’n mynd i ennill. Gall y ffordd fod yn anodd ac nid yw’r frwydr gyda dibyniaeth yn benodol i Gaerdydd, i Gymru nac i Brydain ond mae’n broblem fyd-eang sy’n caethiwo llawer o bobl. Ond mae’r sicrwydd ein bod yn mynd i lwyddo mor bwerus oherwydd: Nid ydym ar ein pen ein hunain. Mae chwyldro adfer tawel, eang yn teithio o gwmpas y byd, o gymunedau bychain i lywodraethau cenedlaethol. Mae hen syniadau o wthio dibyniaeth allan o’r adict yn raddol yn cael eu hamnewid gan ethos o gariad, tosturi, dealltwriaeth a chydsafiad. Yn y gorffennol, bu’n demtasiwn i bobl broffesiynol yn y maes dibyniaeth roi hunain, gyrfaoedd a balchder dros wir egwyddorion helpu eraill. Mae hyn wedi cau pobl broffesiynol oddi wrth ei gilydd ac wedi trin gwirfoddolwyr a phobl leyg fel rhwystrau gyda bwriadau da. Yn y Stafell Fyw rydyn ni wedi tynnu’r waliau a’r ffensys i lawr ac rydym am glywed gan unrhyw un a all helpu yn y frwydr o’n blaen. Os ydych chi’n barod i helpu gyda dibyniaeth ac yn benderfynol o beidio â gweld eraill yn ildio i’w bŵer, byddem yn eich croesawu i ymuno â ni. Mae dibyniaeth yn ffynnu pan fyddwn ar ein pen ein hunain neu’n unig. Mae’n bwerus iawn pan na fyddwn ni’n gallu galw ar benderfyniad Churchill neu ein bod yn methu â galw ar yr arweinydd o’n mewn ni oll sy’n aros i arwain. Ar hyn o bryd, mae gan y Stafell Fyw amrywiaeth o fentrau cyffrous ochr yn ochr â’n gwasanaethau craidd i helpu i frwydro yn erbyn dibyniaeth: * Y Prosiect Estyn Allan: Mae’n rhoi sgiliau hyfforddi adfer i bobl leyg yn eu cymunedau i wneud effaith go iawn ar fywydau adictiaid. * Beat The Odds: rhaglen gyntaf Cymru i frwydro yn erbyn argyfwng dibyniaeth gamblo. * Cynnal: Gwasanaeth dwyieithog i weinidogion yr efengyl ar draws Cymru sy’n dod ar draws problemau dibyniaeth a theimladau na ellir eu rheoli. Os hoffech ymuno â ni, pa un a ydych yn weithiwr proffesiynol, yn berson mewn adferiad neu’n wirfoddolwr a all gynnig egni, brwdfrydedd ac ymrwymiad, gallwch gysylltu â’r Stafell Fyw ar: Ffôn: 029 2030 2101 E-bost: livingroom-cardiff@cais.org.uk

A letter (extract) from Albers Einstein to his daughter

A Letter (Extract) From Albert Einstein to his Daughter There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to. It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us. This universal force is LOVE. When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force. Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it. Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others. Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals. For love we live and die. Love is God and God is Love. This force explains everything and gives meaning to life. This is the variable that we have ignored for too long, maybe because we are afraid of love because it is the only energy in the universe that man has not learned to drive at will. To give visibility to love, I made a simple substitution in my most famous equation. If instead of E = mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied by the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits. After the failure of humanity in the use and control of the other forces of the universe that have turned against us, it is urgent that we nourish ourselves with another kind of energy… If we want our species to survive, if we are to find meaning in life, if we want to save the world and every sentient being that inhabits it, love is the one and only answer. Perhaps we are not yet ready to make a bomb of love, a device powerful enough to entirely destroy the hate, selfishness and greed that devastate the planet. However, each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released. When we learn to give and receive this universal energy, dear Lieserl, we will have affirmed that love conquers all, is able to transcend everything and anything, because love is the quintessence of life. deeply regret not having been able to express what is in my heart, which has quietly beaten for you all my life. Maybe it’s too late to apologize, but as time is relative, I need to tell you that I love you and thanks to you I have reached the ultimate answer! “. Your father Albert Einstein

Why I have to engage the frontal lobe of my brain and challenge these negative thoughts

Blog 31st July Good bye July officially the rainiest month ever. Every morning I woke up it was raining. It’s been an interesting week. On Monday I went to Slimming World feeling good. I actually felt slimmer lighter and was sure I had lost a few pounds. Imagine my horror and disbelief as I bounded on to the scales with gay abandon only for them to .....................stay exactly the bloody same. “What” I said to the poor woman recording the weights “How can this be?” instantly suspicious. Her pitying face said it all; they clustered around me, “It happens sometimes” “I feel as though I’ve lost weight “I whelped “Look my clothes are looser” I said in despair, pulling on them like someone demented. “You’ve probably lost inches then” one of them tried helpfully. It was no good; negativity had descended like a mist. I stomped to my seat scowling and laughing at the same time. “I’ve maintained “ I said whispering my plight to another member burning with shame and feeling genuinely pissed off. Glass half empty. “Well it could have been worse you could have gained” he retorted back. “And you stayed for group.” I shot him a sideways evil stare, as he clutched his Slimmer of the week silver sticker. Then it was time for name and shame “Julie stayed the same this week, but all in all a weight loss of 11lbs” thunderous applause from the group. “What’s your aim for next week?” I knew I was being petulant and very childish when I said the immortal words “7 stone” but somehow I couldn’t help myself. I did get a laugh, but inside it wasn’t funny. I take these setback things far too much to heart, instead of accepting it and looking at ways to change it I stew on it and become defiant and angry. What’s the point? Its crap, it doesn’t work. (Clearly it does) Comparison with others then creeps in. What will they think of me? (Who Cares?) Negative thinking, stinking thinking, my disease slinking back in at the first hurdle. Self pity, I’m a failure, I’m useless, and it’s too hard. Ludicrous nonsense, thinking based on bashing low self-esteem and thinking that will make you eat again. Myths not facts. I have tried to impose positivity, shared it, seen the funny side of it and not gone off on a binge. I have to accept it and plod on. I trust that sometimes quickly sometimes slowly eventually I will develop a pattern of eating that is not self destructive and does not damage me. Julie

Two contrasting events

Blog 19th July 2015 I’ve been out twice this week, to see two interesting but very contrasting events. The first one was a theatre production of the musical Sweet Charity; it was in the open air theatre in Sophia Gardens and was pure entertainment, the all singing, all dancing, feel good, toe tapping, high kicking, thigh slapping caper that some of us know and love. (I always said I should have been a gay man, my love of musicals cements this) The second event was a film documentary called Amy about the tragic and all too short life of the musician Amy Winehouse. I wanted to see this from the recovery angle, to see if they covered it “warts and all” and captured the lonely self loathing confusion and despair of addiction. I think they did. I was also reminded with flashbacks of shame of my own degenerative state at the time. My fiends nicknamed me Winehouse, how we laughed, I even went to a Halloween party dressed as her thinking that being seen as my nemesis was cool and ironic. I was fat she was tiny but under the black comedy of it all we shared more than drug and alcohol addiction, we shared an eating disorder. Think of Amy and you think of drugs, of alcohol, of jazz and soul and a voice, a beehive, Bambi legs, flicked eye liner and a dirty laugh. Amy also had a serious eating disorder she had started making herself sick at the age of 13 around the time of her parents confusing and acrimonious divorce. How we mock those afflicted by addiction, they become the bane of our jokes, we can’t look at ourselves so we point and sneer at them instead. I’m bad but I’m not as bad as her. I wonder if the comedians Graham Norton and Frankie Boyle watched that film and cringed as I did poking fun at a young girl’s painful, long drawn-out suicide mission. Like so many of us her body just gave up, it couldn’t take the battering any more. One quote that was relayed by her friend spoke volumes to me about the way she viewed life and the fact that she was a long, long way from acceptance and recovery. It was at the Grammys; she was clean and in London. She spotted her friend Juliette in the crowd crying with happiness at her success and pulled her onto the stage then whispered in her ear “Do you know, this is no fun without the drugs” Not knowing what to do without them. In the end she lost everything that she had once genuinely loved and became the addiction. It was the only way to run away and hide and she reverted to type. It could have been so different, but she was never ready and those around her with vested interest in her were never ready either. Let’s wait until these five concerts are over then she can have a rest. She’s resting now on - a vacation of a permanent kind. Sweet Charity was a different type of character, manufactured, yes, but there are such women out there. The tart with the heart, eternally optimistic, shrugging off the shoulders and getting on with it, pushed down pulled up, but never beaten, enduring it all with gritty determination and a tits and teeth attitude. Believing in the dream that good things happen and love will conquer all. Even after being jilted for the hundredth time. Seeing the bigger picture and never giving up hope. Becoming a giver not a taker and trusting it will all work out in the end. Living a positive meaningful life. Julie

A friend succumbs to his addiction

Blog 14th July 2015 I received some very sad news this week a friend and old work colleague committed suicide by jumping from a bridge. A final deliberate desperate act. There was no other way out for this person suicide was the only option. No way forward and no going back. Many of us in recovery have been at that jumping off place but by some divine intervention or reaching out for help we did not fall over that edge. My friend did. No one will know what was going through his mind in the build up to making that decision. He was a charismatic character, a Robin Williams-type, manic, hilariously and funny; an excellent mimic and smart, he had a wicked glint in his eye. He could also be angry, impatient and dip so low in mood that it coloured the room and everyone in it. He was one of us, an addict; he didn’t know it, I didn’t know it at the time (I was too sick and in denial myself to see it) but I know it now. His poison was women, love and sex, and boy what a tangled web he wove! He ducked and dived, lied and cheated, told them what they wanted to hear, smiled and charmed them into bed, and back they went for more and more. We kind of understood each other; I think there was a connection that two damaged people often feel when they are together. You can’t kid a kidder. He was trapped in the veneer of this character that he had created for himself - a tortured soul. As so often happens, what he showed the outside world did not reflect who he really was inside. He could not find his way in this world and be himself, he didn’t know how. I cannot imagine his pain. And for those around him and his loved ones there will be weeks, months and years of “If onlys” I said it myself today, “If only he had reached out” But he didn’t, he couldn’t. And now his family have to bury him. All I know is that this man who found life too painful to live is now at peace. Julie

Things are getting better......

Blog 10th July I have had a good week. My eating plan is steady and enjoyable and I’m neither fighting nor obsessing about it. I have to plan and be organised and I have managed to achieve this despite a blip on Thursday when the planned tea was not ready on time. I accepted this and ate something else that was healthy and on plan instead. I find that I’m not craving as I can have some sweet things if I keep it simple and make sensible choices. I’m trying to feed my body healthy nourishing food that I would be happy to give to a child. Food is fuel and I want to fill my tank with good stuff not stuff that clogs my arteries piles on weight and makes me feel sluggish and tired all the time. I need to learn to look after my body to care for it as it’s the only one I’ve got and my illness has spent years trying to destroy it. I need to learn to treat it with respect as it has to last me the rest of my life and I’ve given it a battering over the last 47 years. I also bought a bike. It’s a big old fashioned affair with a basket and a bell. My son kindly put it together for me but teased me by putting a picture of it up on face book calling it a Grannies bike. I’ve carried on with my swimming in the mornings and have had to change pools due to a refurbishment. I now have a whole new set of pensioner friends. I look forward to the group on Monday not for the weigh-in but for the help, support, ideas and recipes that they share. I find that they give me motivation for the week and its non judgemental and kind. All they want is for you to improve your quality and standard of life fitness and health. Whereas I would have been dismissive and defensive, I’m willing to give it a go, I’m willing to put some action in and follow the plan. I’ve got nothing to lose. I have had some freedom from the obsessing this week. Driving home the other day I realised that I hadn’t thought about food since eating my lunch; that was massive for me. Something seems to have shifted, I feel lighter, and I’m trying to install a positive spin on the plan and to enjoy it. I’m sick of fighting this illness. I don’t have to fight it, I just have to accept I have it and live with it as it is part of me, but I must also trust that it can be arrested and it can be helped and managed if I let it be. Julie