tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80503365366572943602024-03-12T19:46:13.345-07:00How I'm recovering from addictionWynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.comBlogger267125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-31018112122519641912017-03-11T04:25:00.001-08:002017-03-11T04:25:48.596-08:00Dibyniaeth ac AwtomateiddioDibyniaeth ac Awtomateiddio
Am y rhan fwyaf o hanes y ddynoliaeth, mae pobl wedi diffinio eu hunain a’u gwerth drwy eu gwaith. I addasu geiriau’r Testament, “Wrth eu gwaith (nid eu gweithredoedd) yr adnabyddir hwynt.” Ond mae’r byd sy’n gyfarwydd i ni, lle gall gwaith sicrhau hunaniaeth, pwrpas a statws, yn debygol o gael ei ddileu yn ystod yr ychydig ddegawdau nesaf. Mae’r cynnydd anorfod mewn awtomateiddio yn mynd i arwain at gymdeithas lle na fydd gan y rhan fwyaf o bobl unrhyw waith o gwbl. A beth fydd yn digwydd i’n teimlad o ‘hunaniaeth’ wedyn? Unwaith y bydd hyn wedi digwydd, bydd ein cymdeithas yn wynebu her aruthrol – argyfwng yn wir. Mae hyn yn fater y dylai Llywodraeth y dydd ei ystyried, waeth mae’n ymwneud yn uniongyrchol ag economi’r wlad a, thrwy hynny, â iechyd a chysur y genedl. Yn anffodus, does dim arwydd bod hyn yn cael unrhyw sylw o gwbl.
Nid yw’r broblem yn anorchfygol ond, os na wneir paratoadau, un o’r canlyniadau tebygol yw y bydd miliynau o bobl, heb lawer o bwrpas yn eu bywydau, yn troi at gysur medd-dod o ryw fath. Argyfwng gwacter ystyr yw dibyniaeth yn y pen draw; os nad oes unrhyw ystyr neu bwrpas i fywyd, yna mae encilio i ebargofiant cyffuriau ac alcohol yn gwneud synnwyr perffaith. Mae nifer o adictiaid yn gwella yn y diwedd – pan fydd y boen o golli popeth oedd yn rhoi pwrpas a strwythur i’w bywydau, yn mynd yn rhy annioddefol. Ydy, mae colli swydd, perthynas a statws yn gallu sbarduno adictiaid i wella ac, yn y pen draw, i ailadeiladu eu bywydau – ond os mai bywyd wedi ei seilio ar werthoedd materol ydyw, yna dyw problem dibyniaeth ddim wedi ei datrys. Pethau dros-dro, pethau sy’n diflannu’n hawdd, yw pethau materol (a does dim yn mynd i fod yn fwy ansefydlog na gwaith yn y dyfodol) ac mae ar bawb angen gwerthoedd dyfnach os ydym i deimlo ein bod yn fodau cyflawn.
Yr her sy’n ein hwynebu yw darparu model gwahanol o gymdeithas, cymdeithas heb waith, sy’n delio ag anghenion emosiynol a dyneiddiol pobl. Waeth os na lwyddwn yn hyn o beth, bydd nifer o aelodau’r gymdeithas a awtomateiddiwyd – pobl unig, dibwrpas a digalon, yn ceisio cysur mewn dibyniaeth a phethau eraill dinistriol. Nid oes angen ofni dyfodol di-waith. Wedi’r cyfan, nid yw bodau dynol wedi’u geni’n benodol i gyflawni tasgau ailadroddus o 9-5, dydd Llun i ddydd Gwener. A beth bynnag, dim ond rhyw 250 oed yw byd gwaith fel yr ydyn ni’n ei adnabod! Ond mae chwyldro diwydiannol newydd o’n blaenau, lle nad gwaith fydd canolbwynt bywyd pobl bellach.
Yn y fath honno o sefyllfa, os yw pobl i gael bywydau cyflawn ac ystyrlon, mae angen iddynt gael arweiniad i ddarganfod ystyr dwfn a gwirioneddol mewn bywyd yn hytrach na phethau materol fel gwaith. Bydd cenedlaethau’r dyfodol yn byw gydag ychydig neu ddim gobaith am waith. Rhaid, felly, eu paratoi yn emosiynol ac yn ysbrydol ar gyfer byd sydd y tu hwnt i ddychymyg llawer ohonom ar hyn o bryd.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-79146831941268462612017-03-11T04:20:00.000-08:002017-03-11T04:20:26.346-08:00Addiction and AutomationAddiction & Automation
For much of human history, people have defined themselves and their worth through their work. To adapt a well-known TV advert, “We are what we do”. However, the world we have always known, where work can provide an identity, purpose and status, seems destined to be swept away in the next couple of decades. The inevitable increase in automation will eventually lead to a society where most people will not have a job. Once the ready-made identity that work provides is no longer available, who and what will we be? Once this happens, the challenges that will face society are significant – a real crisis, in fact. It is a matter for the Government of the day to consider – a matter essentially linked to the economy and, therefore, the health and well-being of the nation. Unfortunately, there seems to be almost no thought devoted to this universal global problem.
The problem is not insurmountable but unless plans are put in place to prepare for this looming crisis, one of the likely consequences will be that millions of people, devoid of purpose, will seek stupefaction. Addiction is ultimately a crisis of meaning; if life has no meaning or purpose, then the retreat into the oblivion of drugs and alcohol makes perfect sense. Many addicts finally get well when the pain of losing everything in their lives that gave them purpose and structure becomes too acute. The loss of jobs, relationships and status can spur addicts into finally getting well and eventually rebuilding their lives. But a life where value is based on external things is not the real solution to the addiction problem. Not only are the ‘things’ of the world transitory and fleeting, especially in the case of work itself, but they cannot answer the deeper needs of the individual – the need for connection and wholeness.
The challenge ahead is to provide an alternative model of society, post work, which addresses the real emotional and humanistic needs of people, because if we fail to do this many of the lonely, bored and disaffected members of the automatised society will seek comfort in addiction and other destructive pursuits. There is no need to fear a workless future; after all, human beings were not specifically born to perform repetitive tasks 9-5, Monday to Friday, and the world of work as we know it is only 250 years old anyway. But there is a new ‘industrial revolution’ ahead of us, where ‘work’ will not be the defining factor in people’s lives any more.
In that scenario, if life is to be meaningful and fulfilling, people need to be guided to seek a real meaning derived from within, not from externalities such as work. The generations that will live with little to no chance of work need to be prepared emotionally and spiritually for a world that, currently, few of us can imagine.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-26742623624326285512016-12-29T07:26:00.003-08:002016-12-29T07:26:36.350-08:00A MESSAGE FOR THE NEW YEAR - NEGES I'R FLWYDDYN NEWYDDA message for the New Year from Living Room Cardiff
In the days since his sad and untimely death, George Michael has been revealed to be not just a good, but a great man. His many acts of compassion, kindness, generosity and love, often to complete strangers were carried out anonymously. He seemed to avoid attention when he gave to others but in his passing these examples of caring and concern have become public knowledge. George Michael has died at a time when ideas of kindness, gentleness, solidarity and concern appear to be in retreat across the world; there is one other attribute he possessed which we might all do well to emulate and that is courage. In 2002, as many millions of people across the world looked on anxiously at the unstoppable march to war with Iraq, George Michael publicly spoke out against the war, knowing full well that he would be crucified by the tabloid press. He spoke out because he believed that the war was wrong and that it would end in catastrophe and history appears to have vindicated him on both counts. In the next twelve uncertain months that we will live through, we must all try to live in a spirit of compassion and courage both globally and in our everyday lives. At the Living Room Cardiff these values are central to everything that we do, compassion for the still suffering addict and courage in announcing the beliefs, ideas and values that the service encapsulates. In 2017 we will continue to research, plan and tackle the causes of compulsive gambling, we will offer comfort and support to addicts of all walks of life but also those in the clergy and the medical profession. We will focus on teaching recovery coaching to a new generation of skilled helpers to take the message of recovery and hope far and wide. We will also put a face and a name to the illness of addiction to draw it away from shame and secrecy. We will continue to challenge policy makers, brewers and retailers, casino chains, advertisers and every other branch of the addiction industry to put people before profits and to live up to the common humanity that binds us all. Uncertain times require quiet, persistent and bold action, taken in the spirit of kindness humanity and love. The great and good George Michael demonstrated this capacity for powerful positive action, combined with the utmost humility and the Living Room will do all it can to ensure these values live on.
Neges i’r Flwyddyn Newydd oddi wrth Stafell Fyw Caerdydd
Yn ystod y dyddiau diwethaf, ers ei farwolaeth drist ac anamserol, datgelwyd George Michael nid yn unig fel dyn da, ond fel dyn mawr. Cyflawnwyd ei dosturi, ei garedigrwydd, ei haelioni a’i gariad, yn aml i ddieithriaid, yn hollol ddienw. Roedd fel petai’n ceisio osgoi sylw pan oedd yn rhoi i eraill. Ond, oherwydd ei farwolaeth, mae’r enghreifftiau hyn o ofal a chonsyrn wedi dod i’r amlwg i’r cyhoedd. Mae George Michael wedi marw ar adeg pan mae egwyddorion caredigrwydd, tynerwch, cydsafiad a chonsyrn yn ymddangos fel petaen nhw’n diflannu. Mae yna un nodwedd arall iddo efallai y dylen ni i gyd ei hefelychu a hynny yw gwroldeb. Yn 2002, wrth i filoedd lawer ar draws y byd edrych yn bryderus ar y daith na ellid ei hatal, i ryfel gydag Irac, roedd George Michael yn siarad allan yn gyhoeddus yn erbyn y rhyfel, gan wybod yn iawn y byddai’n cael ei groeshoelio gan y wasg dabloid. Roedd yn gwneud hyn oherwydd ei fod yn credu bod y rhyfel yn hollol anghywir ac y byddai’n gorffen mewn trychineb. Mae hanes yn ymddangos fel petai wedi cael ei brofi’n gywir ar y ddau achlysur. Yn ystod y deuddeng mis ansicr nesaf y byddwn ni’n gorfod byw drwyddyn nhw, rhaid i ni i gyd geisio byw mewn ysbryd o dosturi a dewrder yn fyd-eang ac yn ein bywydau ni bob dydd. Yn Stafell Fyw Caerdydd, mae’r gwerthoedd hyn yn ganolog i bob peth rydyn ni’n ei wneud, tosturi tuag at yr adict sy’n dal i ddioddef a gwroldeb i gyhoeddi’r credoau, syniadau a’r gwerthoedd y mae’r gwasanaeth yn eu coleddu. Yn 2017, byddwn yn parhau i ymchwilio, cynllunio a delio ag achosion gamblo eithafol, byddwn yn cynnig cysur a chefnogaeth i adictiaid ym mhob maes bywyd ond hefyd i’r rhai o fewn yr eglwysi a’r proffesiwn meddygol. Byddwn yn canolbwyntio ar ddysgu hyfforddiant adfer i genhedlaeth newydd o gynorthwywyr cymwys i fynd â’r neges o adferiad a gobaith ar draws bob man. Byddwn hefyd yn rhoi wyneb ac enw i’r salwch o ddibyniaeth i sicrhau ei fod yn ddigywilydd a heb fod yn gudd. Byddwn yn parhau i herio gwneuthurwyr polisïau, bragwyr a mân werthwyr, cadwyni casino, hysbysebwyr a phob maes arall o’r diwydiant dibyniaeth i roi pobl cyn elw ac i ddilyn egwyddorion dynoliaeth gyffredin sy’n ein clymu ni oll. Mae amseroedd ansicr yn gofyn am weithredu tawel, cyson a dewr, gan ystyried yr ysbryd o garedigrwydd, dynoliaeth a chariad. Roedd y George Michael mawr a da’n dangos y gallu hwn i gymryd camau positif pwerus, ynghyd â’r gostyngeiddrwydd eithaf a bydd y Stafell Fyw’n gwneud popeth o fewn ei gallu i sicrhau bod y gwerthoedd hyn yn parhau.Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-80566176424823234562016-12-20T04:06:00.002-08:002016-12-20T04:06:31.636-08:00NO COMMENT
In 1999, in a three square mile area of a major conurbation, armed violence fuelled by drug gang rivalries reached its peak. During that single year there were 270 firearms discharges, 43 gun-related injuries and 7 fatalities. Caught in the middle of this savagery, law enforcement services struggled to cope. On one occasion the local police headquarters was strafed by automatic gun fire, taking out the windows while the station commander sat at his desk.
The city in question was not Chicago or Bogota, but Manchester – and the police commander in question was me.
For those asked to deter and investigate the drug gangs of Manchester it was an extraordinary time, but strangely rarely a fearful one. When I patrolled the streets of Longsight, or led a firearms operation, it was exhilaration rather than apprehension that captured the emotions (but then I was a much younger man!). The estates of Manchester are a little quieter these days, thanks to programmes of civic regeneration and gang intervention, but there and throughout the world the war on drugs continues. Year by year the number of addicts grows, the complexity of the market develops, and the rewards associated with the trade grow ever more absurd (currently estimated at two trillion dollars per annum). Nations such as Mexico and Afghanistan are utterly undermined by the traders and the obscene violence they foster.
The North Wales Police Commissioner’s recent call for a discussion on the legalisation of drugs follows many similar suggestions over the past couple of decades. Some ten years ago the North Wales Police Authority and Chief Constable came to a similar conclusion. In Colombia, a country which has suffered four decades of civil war fuelled by drug money, President Juan Manuel Santos has called for a global re-think on our approach. However, attitudes remain as polarised as ever. Across the other side of the globe, President Rodrigo Duterte of the Philippines sanctions vigilante hit squads to eradicate the estimated three million addicts in the country.
Following recent statements on drug policy from various quarters I have regularly been approached in the past few weeks for media statement on the local and national picture. I have declined to comment. In fact, this is a debate I have stayed out of for some time; not because I haven’t got any opinions but because expressing them is pointless. In Britain and in the nations capable of making a global difference there is no political appetite, at the level where decisions can be made, for a rational and evidence-based discussion. Critics, many of the highest academic credentials, are labelled feeble. Advisers are firmly put back in their box. The focus remains on creating law and then trying to enforce it. Meanwhile, the misery continues for hundreds of thousands of individuals across the UK: university towns are awash with MDMA, the streets are again flooded with heroin and our prisons are drowning in Spice.
As it was for the police in South Manchester, the front line in the war against drugs can be an exciting place. The enemy is clear, the rules of engagement are rehearsed and with the chase comes the thrill. There is also the absolute certainty that by following this approach you will never be out of a job.
So, at least for the time being I will refrain from entering the debate. Through CAIS I will continue the work of helping victims recover from the scourge of addiction and supporting them to lead more prosperous lives. At this season of goodwill, which for so many reasons seems misplaced in 2016, I hope that decision-makers can one day reflect that conversation costs nothing and that you don’t solve every problem by fighting a war.
Merry Christmas.
Clive Wolfendale CEO CAIS Ltd.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-50708397642910953462016-09-12T13:28:00.000-07:002016-09-12T13:28:09.086-07:00Winners & LoosersWinners & Losers
At the Living Room Cardiff, time and again the underlying cause of addiction in our clients is a deep seated sense of worthlessness and a belief that they are ‘not good enough’. The belief is so prevalent and is no respecter of age, gender, social status or education that one might be forgiven for thinking that it is a virtually universal psychical condition in Britain. Our society could be likened to a factory for producing feelings and identities, its institutions and rules almost guarantee that a large portion of the population will constantly see themselves as failing, even when this belief guarantees that they will emotionally suffer throughout much of their lives. How does this happen and why have we contrived to treat so many people so cruelly? Nearly all of this harm is first done to children, worthlessness as a belief is first powerfully acquired at a young age, when there is no other frame of reference to challenge it. The pressures to be successful, to consume ever greater quantities of the world’s finite resources and to be loved, special or famous are drip fed to children by parents, schools and the media. A society based on illusory notions of competition and success is unlikely to educate children into any other world view than that there are winners and losers. The winners are permanently ill at ease, worried they might one day not be good enough to stay on their podiums and pedestals and the losers are educated that there is little, if any hope or role for them. In recent months the new Prime Minister, Theresa May, has made various promises about a new society of opportunity for all. However, when judging the real intentions of our rulers, it is more instructive to look at what they do, than listen to what they say. The announcement this week that grammar schools will be reintroduced into Britain, with the inevitable selection via the eleven plus (or equivalent exam) should tell us all a lot about the new opportunity Britain that is on the way. Despite all available peer reviewed data showing that grammar schools do not help social mobility, the government are pressing ahead with the repeal on their ban, perhaps knowing full well that they are divisive. It is all too easy to claim that an institution creates ‘winners’, while editing the ‘losers’ from the story, but we would invite the government to look at the situation from another perspective, that of a child. Seeing a small number of children being sent to a grammar school because, by all measures they are seen as ‘better’ can be a shattering experience. The idea that children must be taught at an early age to accept winning and losing, to toughen up and stop complaining, or the long held aversion in the British tabloid press to concern for ‘self-esteem’ are all part of a toxic ideological brew that our young people are forced to drink. Creating a pecking order of the ‘special’ and the ‘rest’ is a crucial part of the construction of class in Britain and it is also a crucial part in the creation of worthlessness. It is this worthlessness that many spend their entire lives evading because it is so painful and a significant number find the solution to their pain in addiction.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-31053959022474986472016-06-27T05:58:00.002-07:002016-06-27T05:58:31.513-07:00Butterfly Blog Number Two Butterfly Blog Number Two (24/06/2016)
Greetings and welcome to the second edition of the butterfly blog.
Developing your support network
The first few weeks I have to say were about getting through each day clean and sober by whatever means possible. In times gone by when I had tried to stop I didn't change any of my other unhelpful behaviours that sat alongside the addiction. So for example I'd still lay in bed all day isolating myself and hiding away. I didn't reach out to anyone as I was convinced that I didn't deserve to be helped, supported or loved by anyone, but trying to do it on my own didn't work. We all need support in fighting the addiction demon. So this time I knew I had to be more active and put more effort into my recovery. I guess one of the reasons why I had been actively addicted for so long is because I was waiting for there to be an easy solution and eventually I had to get my head round the fact that there was no easy, quick fix. That I would have to work at getting well. A major challenge for me has been social anxiety and trusting anyone enough to let them in. My main source of support has come from all the people I have met at the Living Room Cardiff (LR), and I have spent every weekday at the LR since I stopped using skunk cannabis. I have made some great friends here, people who know the ups and downs of addiction and recovery. People who do not judge because they have gone through similar experiences. People who see the good in you at a time when the addiction has robbed you of all your self-esteem and self-love. People who will listen and understand. At first I found accepting this love and support very difficult because I struggle with such a low opinion of myself, and like many of us I have issues around trusting other human beings. I hold some very unhelpful beliefs about myself and others too which create barriers to letting people in. Such as “I am unlovable”, “I am not good enough”, “I am not worthy or deserving of love and support”, and “people will hurt and abandon me” etc. But my friends at the Living Room have been so patient with me during the ups and downs of the first month. They have provided me with a perspective that has challenged my unhelpful beliefs, seeing good things in me which I could not see in myself. They have challenged me and supported me, and accepted me however I’ve been. So I believe through my experience that developing a good social support network in recovery is so very important. Don't try to cope on your own - reach out.
Accepting step one of the 12 steps of AA / NA
Admit and accept that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addiction and that your life has become unmanageable.
Over the last month I have struggled with this step. Prior to stopping, whilst still in the active addiction phase, I thought I had this idea nailed, but it turned out I may have grasped it intellectually (I knew it) but I hadn't truly got it (I hadn't truly accepted it). Over the last month I have had a few slips, usually at weekends when I am not at the LR and I have to deal with spending more time alone with myself, including all my thoughts, feelings, cravings etc. During the week I felt safer and more confident that I would not use, but there was something about the weekend that has had me really craving to get high on cannabis. Each time I have experienced one of these slips I have managed to use for an evening or a day and then flush the rest of the cannabis down the toilet, preventing a full blown relapse. But each time this happened I knew I was playing with fire – a dangerous game, but still I could not totally let go of wanting to use. I kept giving myself permission to use by telling myself lies like; a small bag won't hurt, I can manage just a little bit, I can't cope without getting high, getting high will make me feel better. Each time I slipped I tried to remain as aware as I could, and thus I was able to learn a lot from each slip. I guess that I ultimately learned that I couldn't control my use. I couldn't have one or two, no I'd be smoking constantly getting so stoned that I made myself feel physically and mentally unwell. I might get a very brief moment of relief from the way I was feeling, but the negative payback was way too great. I finally came to Admit and accept that I, of myself, am powerless to overcome my addiction and that my life had become totally unmanageable.
Book of the week – The power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Quotes of the week -
• Be around the light bringers, the magic makers, the world shifters, the game shakers. They challenge you, break you open, up-lift and expand you. They don't let you play small with your life. These heartbeats are your people. These people are your tribe.
• It's not about perfect. It’s about effort and when you bring that effort every single day, that's where transformation happens. That's how change occurs.
• NO ONE is ever too broken, too scarred, or too far-gone to create change. Never stop fighting. Never lose faith.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-55267261742027010242016-06-18T04:45:00.002-07:002016-06-18T04:45:29.758-07:00THE BUTTERFLY BLOGAll the names of people have been changed and no one else’s journey will be discussed here so as to maintain confidentiality.
Greetings and welcome to the butterfly blog. This blog is about my recovery journey from the early days to … at the Living Room Cardiff.
The back story
I am in my forties and have been abusing drugs and alcohol since I was a teenager to escape the pain of repeated trauma experiences during this time of my life. Over the last five years I have stopped using alcohol and class A drugs, but my main problem has been the extreme and prolonged use of skunk cannabis. Skunk is a very strong form of cannabis bred specifically for its high THC content the active ingredient in cannabis that gets you high. This I am truly addicted to. I have used cannabis daily for the last 20 years. For 12 of those years I managed to hold down a job, social life and long term relationship despite my daily use, but in 2007 my relationship broke down. Then in 2008 I experienced a mental health breakdown leading to a three month admission to a psychiatric hospital. The year after I lost my job due to extended periods of sickness due to mental health problems including my addiction to cannabis. The following eight years have been devoted to getting stoned from waking up till going to bed. It has been a 24/7 occupation. I was either getting stoned, stoned or sleeping it off. I estimate that I have spent in the region of £25,000 over the last eight years on skunk. So the addiction has cost me dearly: my relationship, my career, my financial security, my social life and my physical health and sanity. I gave up everything I held dear for the addiction, including my morals. It’s fair to say that skunk has totally ruled and ruined my world for a very long time.
Living Room Cardiff
I heard about the Living Room from my GP who had been encouraging me to seek help for my addiction for a long time. For many years the denial was so great that I didn’t see the true extent of my problem, which now looking back seems like madness. At first I found it hard to fully engage. I had weekly 1:1 sessions with a lovely counsellor but I didn’t always turn up for them. I wouldn’t attend group therapy at first because I felt so anxious in group situations. So this is how I went for the first 19 months, dipping my toe into the recovery world. I managed to cut down my consumption during this time from nearly £700 a month to around £280. A real achievement for me. Then almost a month ago I hit my rock bottom and stopped completely.
Rock bottom
My rock bottom was prompted by a true realisation of what I was doing to my mum in order to maintain my addiction. Unbeknown to her I had been spending the money she had been giving me to pay my mortgage on skunk. I had felt terrible about this for a long time but the addiction was so strong that I hadn’t been able to stop myself behaving in this way. It wasn’t until my mum became the victim of a mail order draw scam that it truly hit home. I hated the scammers for doing this to my mum and I felt enraged at the company responsible, but then I had the realisation that what I had been doing was just the same, that I had also been scamming her all along. This lead to me feeling very suicidal to the point where I was planning my method. Suicidal thoughts and feeling are not new to me I have had to cope with them since the age of 13. The thing that had always kept me alive was the thought of what my suicide would do to family and friends, especially my mum. But now I didn’t care, I believed they’d be better off without me. I shared this with my brilliant peer support worker, others at the Living Room and my GP who all supported me brilliantly. I felt it was stop using or die time, so that’s what I did I stopped. I ceased to use skunk from the 19th May 2016 (bar three short lived slips).
The blog
I have been invited to write a blog for the Living Room about my recovery journey. Each week I’ll update the blog to keep you all update on this voyage into the unknown. So welcome aboard my recovery bus. I hope you’ll find riding alongside me interesting and maybe even useful.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-11271513146294805422016-04-11T09:45:00.002-07:002016-04-11T09:45:43.765-07:00Living Room Cardiff's Annual LecturePress Release
11.4.16
Annual Lecture discusses role of Recovery in a Social Justice context
The 8th Living Room Annual Lecture will take place for the first time outside Cardiff on Tuesday 17th May. Held at the University of Wales Trinity St David’s Halliwell Centre in Carmarthen, Recovery as an issue of Social Justice will be delivered by David Best, Professor of Criminology at Sheffield Hallam University. The event begins at 6pm.
David Best is qualified as a psychologist and criminologist, and has worked in both research and policy areas for around 20 years. He has worked and studied at Strathclyde University (Glasgow), the Institute of Psychiatry, London School of Economics, the University of Birmingham, The University of the West of Scotland and Monash University, and has held research policy roles at the Police Complaints Authority and the National Treatment Agency for Substance Misuse.
He is the author of two previous books on addiction recovery and currently working on a third, and is the author of around 150 peer reviewed journal papers. His main area of interest is around pathways to recovery and the role of social networks in promoting wellbeing.
Wynford Ellis Owen, Chief Executive, Living Room Cardiff, said, “To have secured David Best as our guest speaker this year is a big coup. His views on social justice in an addiction context are compelling. Addiction can strike anyone, but the harm of this situation is felt most keenly in poorer communities.
“In this lecture, Professor Best will argue that recovery is about a personal journey of growth and change but one that is embedded in social networks and societal responses. He will say that other people – sponsors, family, friends, and partners – have a huge role to play but we have to understated the role society (and all of us) has in allowing people to change and become reintegrated. The conclusion will be that if we do this, society is strengthened through the inclusion of a group of people who can be ‘better than well’.
“The annual lecture programme is going from strength to strength and will be of interest to anyone involved in the addiction and substance misuse field and recovery orientated services in Wales.
“The Annual Lecture also marks the start of an exciting strategic partnership between Living Room Cardiff and University of Wales Trinity St David. As part of a new course, three modules will be delivered through work based learning at the University from October 2016. The course will target small businesses, the student population - particularly those studying psychology, counselling, social work/care, medicine, nursing or probation - and the recovery community itself.“
Clive Wolfendale, CEO of CAIS, the parent company of Living Room Cardiff, added, "At a time when society needs grounded and cost-effective methods of supporting those who are disadvantaged or facing other life challenges, we explore Recovery as a means of creating a lasting and self-sustaining pathway for individuals who find themselves disenfranchised and at odds with society. We explore the way back".
Anybody wishing to attend the lecture, which is free of charge, should contact Living Room Cardiff on 029 2049 3895 or email: livingroom-cardiff@cais.org.uk.
ENDS
For further information please contact Rhodri Ellis Owen at Cambrensis Communications on 029 20 257075 or Rhodri@cambrensis.uk.com
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-5043349257670149892016-04-11T09:44:00.000-07:002016-04-11T09:44:07.130-07:00Darlith Flynyddol Stafell Fyw CaerdyddDatganiad i’r Wasg
11.4.16
Darlith Flynyddol yn trafod rôl Adferiad mewn cyd-destun Cyfiawnder Cymdeithasol
Cynhelir yr wythfed ddarlith flynyddol yr Ystafell Fyw am y tro cyntaf y tu allan i Gaerdydd ar ddydd Mawrth 17 o Fai. Bydd yn cael ei chynnal yng Nghanolfan Halliwell Prifysgol Cymru Y Drindod Dewi Sant yng Nghaerfyrddin. Adfer Fel Mater o Gyfiawnder Cymdeithasol fydd teitl y ddarlith ac yn cael ei gyflwyno gan David Best, Athro Troseddeg ym Mhrifysgol Sheffield Hallam. Bydd y digwyddiad yn dechrau am 6pm.
Mae David Best yn gymwys fel seicolegydd a troseddegwr, ac mae wedi gweithio ym meysydd ymchwil a pholisi am dros 20 mlynedd. Mae wedi gweithio ac astudio ym Mhrifysgol Strathclyde (Glasgow), y Sefydliad Seiciatreg, Ysgol Economeg Llundain, Prifysgol Birmingham, Prifysgol Gorllewin yr Alban a Phrifysgol Monash, ac mae wedi dal swyddi polisi ymchwil yn yr Awdurdod Cwyno Heddlu ac Asiantaeth Driniaeth Genedlaethol ar gyfer Camddefnyddio Sylweddau.
Ef yw awdur dau lyfr blaenorol ar adferiad dibyniaeth ac ar hyn o bryd yn gweithio ar y drydedd, ac mae'n awdur o tua 150 o bapurau cyfnodolyn a adolygir gan gymheiriaid. Mae ei brif faes o ddiddordeb yn ymwneud â llwybrau at Adferiad a rôl rhwydweithiau cymdeithasol wrth hyrwyddo lles.
Dywedodd Wynford Ellis Owen, Prif Weithredwr, Stafell Fyw Caerdydd, "Mae medru sicrhau David Best fel ein siaradwr gwadd eleni yn gamp fawr. Mae ei farn ar gyfiawnder cymdeithasol mewn cyd-destun dibyniaeth yn rymus. Gall ddibyniaeth daro unrhyw un, ond mae'r niwed yn y sefyllfa hon yn cael yr effaith fwyaf mewn cymunedau tlotach.
"Yn y ddarlith hon, bydd yr Athro Best yn dadlau bod adferiad yn ymwneud â thaith bersonol o dwf a newid ond un sydd wedi'i wreiddio mewn rhwydweithiau cymdeithasol ac ymatebion cymdeithasol. Bydd yn dweud bod gan bobl eraill - noddwyr, teulu, ffrindiau, a phartneriaid - rôl enfawr i'w chwarae, ond mae'n rhaid i ni werthfawrogi rôl y gymdeithas (a phob un ohonom) i ganiatáu pobl i newid ac ail integreiddio. Y casgliad yw, os ydym yn gwneud hyn, bydd y gymdeithas yn cael ei chryfhau trwy gynnwys grŵp o bobl a all fod yn 'well nag yn dda'.
"Mae'r rhaglen ddarlith flynyddol yn mynd o nerth i nerth a bydd o ddiddordeb i unrhyw un sy'n ymwneud yn y maes camddefnyddio dibyniaeth a sylweddau a gwasanaethau sy'n canolbwyntio ar adferiad yng Nghymru.
"Mae'r Ddarlith Flynyddol hefyd yn nodi dechrau ar bartneriaeth strategol gyffrous rhwng Stafell Fyw Caerdydd a Phrifysgol Cymru y Drindod Dewi Sant. Fel rhan o gwrs newydd, bydd tri modiwl yn cael ei gyflwyno trwy ddysgu yn y gwaith yn y Brifysgol o fis Hydref 2016. Bydd y cwrs yn targedu busnesau bach, y boblogaeth o fyfyrwyr - yn enwedig y rhai sy'n astudio seicoleg, cwnsela, gwaith cymdeithasol / gofal, meddygaeth, nyrsio neu wasanaeth prawf - a'r gymuned adfer ei hun ".
Ychwanegodd Clive Wolfendale, Prif Swyddog Gweithredol CAIS, rhiant gwmni Stafell Fyw Caerdydd, "Ar adeg pan fo anghenion cymdeithas wedi’i seilio ar ddulliau cost-effeithiol o gefnogi'r rhai sydd dan anfantais neu wynebu heriau bywyd eraill, rydym yn archwilio Adferiad fel modd o greu llwybr parhaol a hunangynhaliol ar gyfer unigolion sy'n cael eu hunain wedi'u difreinio ac yn groes i gymdeithas. Rydym yn edrych ar y ffordd yn ôl. "
Dylai unrhyw un sy'n dymuno mynychu'r ddarlith, sydd yn rhad ac am ddim, gysylltu â Stafell Fyw Caerdydd ar 029 2049 3895 neu e-bost: livingroom-cardiff@cais.org.uk.
DIWEDD
Am ragor o wybodaeth cysylltwch â Rhodri Ellis Owen, Cambrensis Communications ar 029 20 257075 neu Rhodri@cambrensis.uk.com
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-73070112153047488572016-01-24T13:39:00.002-08:002016-01-24T13:39:49.936-08:00ANGIE BOWIE'S TEARSAngie Bowie's Tears
When it was announced this week that the rock legend David Bowie had sadly died, one of the few people not to hear immediately was his former wife Angie. She was taking part in Celebrity Big Brother and was informed by the show’s producers who decided to film her reaction. Unbeknownst to her, this moment of sadness and grief was shown to the public without her consent in a bid to offer bored watchers a moment of titillation. Following the 9/11 attacks, the writer and activist Arundhati Roy described grief as the most intimate and private of experiences and the exploitation of the grief of others was one of the most brutal and violating things a state could do. At the time she was referring to the manipulation of the grief a nation felt after the destruction of the twin towers in order to make a case for the Iraq war, but the sentiment is also applicable to the treatment of Angie Bowie. To take the most private and intimate of moments and to transform it into entertainment takes a particular mentality, one that is shaped by prevailing ideas within our society. Apologists for the reality TV format might state that a contestant on a reality TV show deserves everything they get, but this is to suggest that there are no higher moral imperatives in our society than those of the transaction and the contract. ‘She was quick enough to take their money’ is the immediate counter argument that springs to mind, but that commits us all to the idea that once someone has been paid for something or once someone becomes famous it is morally acceptable to mete out any form of degradation or punishment. It becomes ok to suggest that in our society based on transactions and acquisition of the material, that they have been bought wholesale and have no further proprietorial rights over their appearance or treatment in the public eye. We also come to the conclusion that all things can be purchased, even someone’s private moment of grief and society can sneer at the folly of the individual for signing on the dotted line in the first place. When we come to believe that all things are saleable, can be turned into commodities and the only thing that limits new business opportunities is the scope of human imagination, we also become so fully enslaved by the ideology of free market capitalism that all other human considerations become blotted out by its shadow and we drift into a world that is by turns absurd and cruel. As with all ideologies that become monolithic such as communism or nationalism, a belief system that puts the pursuit of material gain above all things, that enshrines it as the supreme and sole truth will eventually devour itself but cause untold damage in the mean time. In the field of addiction treatment that we at the Living Room Cardiff work in, the chaos wrought by our prevailing myths and narratives is clear to see. Addicts dependent on drinking, drugs, sex and gambling have fallen prey to their addictions often because they are the only way of coping with the demands placed on them by a society obsessed with competition and a very narrow definition of the idea of success. Schools, parents, politicians and broadcasters help to shape a worldview for children that defines success and worth in monetary and competitive terms. When this unfulfilling and spiritually un-nurturing version of life is imposed on children they frequently seek forms of escape from it, including the annihilation of addiction and the flight from being authentic (authenticity being a trait that is frequently punished). This narrowly defined world view produces the types of people that can sell and market moments of grief because they represent ‘good business’ and it also produces people who become dependent on drugs and other damaging behaviours because they crave a world where they can be authentic and instead are presented one where superficiality, two dimensional living and an absurd approach to material possessions prevails.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-45691423350863369372016-01-24T13:37:00.002-08:002016-01-24T13:37:33.735-08:00BRITAIN AND DRINKINGBRITAIN AND DRINKING
In 2015 there was a seemingly endless series of mass shootings in the USA, each more horrifying than the rest. Onlookers in Britain shook their heads in disbelief as each atrocity was reported. Before the smell of cordite had left the air, the US gun lobby defended the easy availability of assault weapons and high paid lobbyists earned their keep placing the blame elsewhere. In Britain, we felt with some sense of justification, we are safe to walk down the streets without being at risk of gun violence. However, much of the British public exists in a fantasy world of its own, created for it by lobbyists, corporate media outlets and corrupted newspaper columnists who will trot out any fraud if the money is right. At the heart of that fantasy is the nation’s love affair with alcohol, a romance that has striking similarities with America’s love affair with guns. Behind both the American firearms industry and Britain’s drinks industry are powerful vested interests that lobby their respective elected officials, ensuring that the interests of business are served over the interests of the public.
A recent study carried out by Professor Nick Sheron of Southampton University, co-founder of the Alcohol Health Alliance has revealed that nearly two thirds of the profits of the UK alcohol industry come from drinks sales to problem and dependent drinkers. The story that the drinks lobby likes to trot out at such times is that drinking is about choice, responsibility and enabling adults to decide for themselves what is good for them. The majority of alcohol, however, is sold to people who have no choice, for whom addiction and dependency are daily realities. The Guardian newspaper calculated that this figure amounted to £23.7 billion pounds annually, but that costs the NHS £3.5 billion a year treating everything from liver disease to the consequences of alcohol-fueled violence. As the drinks industry does not contribute a penny towards the massive social harm it does and pays nothing to the NHS, this £3.5 billion could easily be seen as a public subsidy. Each year there are a million hospital admissions from alcohol, an increase of 100 percent in a decade and the number of alcohol related violent offences in 2015 was estimated by the Office of National Statistics as 704,000.
In Britain, just as in America, those who can shout the loudest scramble to head off any criticism of their corporate friends. For example when the Chief Medical Officer recently announced that there was no safe level of drinking and the health benefits of red wine were largely a myth, Nigel Farage demanded some kind of mass public protest against the ‘nanny state’.
His brand of beer and cigs populism is irresponsible - at best, it encourages drinkers to ignore the scientific research that shows the real risks of even moderate drinking. He frames the discussion as one of individual liberty and a struggle against faceless bureaucracy. However, this posturing is largely immaterial compared to the beliefs and fantasies of an entire nation. Even though the research carried out by Professor Sheron and the announcements made by the Chief Medical Officer are based on solid peer reviewed research, the stories we as a nation choose to tell about alcohol are far more compelling.
In our national love affair with alcohol, drinking and being drunk have gradually been elevated to some kind of right, a freedom that no one can take away. Its harm is ignored, denied or rationalised away and those that succumb to addiction are marginalised. It is the alcoholics, however, that offer the rest of the nation an uncomfortable glimpse of the truth and ensure that no matter what we must continue with a national charade.
In America, President Obama has decided finally to use executive action to push through gun control legislation, but in Britain our political class, in full possession of the facts, have decided that it’s business as usual.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-57923129131391109852015-10-31T06:10:00.002-07:002015-10-31T06:10:29.664-07:00Being true to nature.Being true to nature
What have addiction and free market capitalism got in common? They are both symptoms of a spectacular failure of imagination. Jean Paul Sartre argued that the traditional religious view of the origins of mankind, that a creator god had the idea of man and then created the human race, should be inverted. Sartre, an atheist, argued that in the absence of a god man existed physically first and then had to invent himself. What Sartre, the great existentialist meant was that human beings only really became fully human when they decided who they were and what purpose they would exist in the world to fulfil. Similarly, the psychoanalyst Erich Fromm stated that: “Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve.” The pressure of this need to find purpose, meaning and identity in part explains the emotional appeal of alcohol, drugs and other addictions. The challenge of being authentic and finding a purpose in life, in straying away from a herd mentality that clings to values that are both absurd and damaging is overwhelming for a great many of us. Instead, the temptation to self-medicate and to use alcohol and drugs to resolve these pressing questions is overwhelming. A person who retreats into addiction retreats from the moral, existential and spiritual questions that life inevitably presents and returns to a childlike state where there is no responsibility or pressure to participate or assert one’s own values.
At present, the world is buckling under the weight of the ultimate addiction, the addiction to a fantasy, a utopia. It is the utopia of the market, one which was a lot more convincing before 2008 and is now held together, Heath-Robinson style, by capitalism’s chief advocates, the main political parties of the western world. The advocates of free market capitalism, most of the mainstream media, initially frame any discussion by telling us the audience that ‘there is no other way’, and that societies based on competition are harsh but fair. Those who rise to the top through hard work and initiative deserve to be there and those that sink, well that’s their own fault. Private vices, consumerism and vast environmental degradation are all a price worth paying because they yield public goods, i.e. without enterprise with its creativity and destructiveness, there would be no one to pay taxes and keep the NHS going.
The power of addiction over the addict can often be so strong that they will continue to consume their drug of choice long after the body is capable of recovering and the obsession that the drug user can control their behaviour will take them to an early death. The same is true with our addiction to capitalism, there is only so much the biosphere will withstand and the fantasy that the earth was created to exploit for the vast riches of a small few is a massively overpowering delusion that may well make the 21st Century humanity’s last.
For addicts and the adherents of free market capitalism the imagination must be re-ignited. Not only is it essential that we individually and collectively strive to see that there are alternatives, that another world for all of us is possible and must be fought for, but the conscience of the individual addict and the conscience of the world must be engaged. Deep questions about our place in the world, our values, beliefs and responsibilities must be sought by addicts and the wider society instead of the vapid, meaningless bilge that consumerism consistently reinforces.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-54845231363433018452015-09-04T10:16:00.002-07:002015-09-04T10:16:13.936-07:00NEVER SURRENDERNEVER SURRENDER
“We shall not flag or fail, we shall go on to the end…we shall never surrender.” Perhaps the most stirring words ever spoken by an alcoholic. Winston Spencer Leonard Churchill was in his own words, born to greatness but he had every trait necessary for addiction. Emotionally abusive parents, the abandonment of being sent away to boarding school at an early age and the problems of a prodigious intelligence confined by critical teachers and house masters. He grew into an adult who was plagued both by terrible self-doubt and delusions of grandeur; historians look upon him as a controversial figure, a hero to some and villain to others, but alcoholics and addicts can learn an immense amount from his words. In many ways, the Living Room (which partly owes its existence to the Churchill Fellowship), encapsulates his rhetoric. It is often said in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and other recovery organisations that ‘one must surrender in order to win’, and this means that to beat one’s addiction the belief that it can be controlled and measured ‘sensible’ drinking can be achieved must be abandoned. This is a view that is supported at the Living Room, but there is also a powerful fighting spirit here too, accepting our powerlessness is an essential part of recovery, but simply giving in to active addiction, accepting it as an inevitability is not.
In June 1940 a few weeks after Churchill came to power and the British Army had been rescued from Dunkirk, an anxious nation looked to Churchill. They were waiting for someone to step up as leader and give a clear picture about what Britain was going to do. The war was being lost and many feared a German invasion in the coming months and believed that Britain would need to surrender or negotiate. Churchill told the nation what the plan was in one clear speech: We fight. He explained that it would be a long fight, it would have a high cost in lives, money and destruction but it would, absolutely, without question, be won - no matter what. For many addicts, simply acting out unconscious patterns time after time, their leader, their Churchill is sat on the benches, unaware that it is time to step up to the dispatch box and inspire the world. When they finally awaken to the reality of their illness, the struggle ahead, their leader arrives to take charge. This awakening happens on the sofas of the Living Room time after time, addicts awaken and instead of seeing fear, chaos and defeat they embrace recovery and scent victory over the most invidious enemy they have ever known. The counsellors and staff at the Living Room know that they are really just the support staff in this great drama, helping the addict to find themselves, their courage, resolve and strength. We know something else as well:
We are going to win.
The road may be hard and the struggle with addiction is not localised to Cardiff, to Wales or to Britain, but it is a worldwide phenomenon ensnaring much of humanity, but the certainty that we are going to be successful is so powerful because:
We are not alone.
A great, silent recovery revolution is sweeping the world, from small communities to national governments. Old ideas about punishing addiction out of the addict are gradually being replaced by an ethos based on love, compassion, understanding and solidarity. In the past it has been tempting for professionals in the addiction field to place egos, careers and pride over the real principals of helping others. This has shut professionals away from one another and treated volunteers and lay people as well-meaning encumbrances. At the Living Room we have torn down the walls and fences and want to hear from anyone who can help in the struggle ahead. If you are ready to help take addiction on and are determined not to see others surrender to its power, we would like to welcome you to join us. Addiction thrives when we are isolated, atomised, alone. It has immense power when we have none, when we fail to summon the resolution of Churchill, or we fail to summon the leader within all of us who is waiting to lead. At the moment the Living Room has a range of exciting initiatives alongside our core services to help fight addiction:
* The Reaching Out Project: Equipping lay people in their communities with the skills of recovery coaching to make a real impact in the lives of addicts.
* Beat The Odds: Wales’ first programme to combat the crisis of gambling addiction.
* Cynnal: A bilingual service for ministers of religion across Wales who are encountering problems with addiction and unmanageable feelings.
*
If you want to join us, whether you are a skilled professional, a person in recovery or a volunteer who can bring energy, enthusiasm and commitment, you can contact the Living Room on: Telephone: 029 2030 2101
Email: livingroom-cardiff@cais.org.uk
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-19348056640805033472015-09-04T10:13:00.003-07:002015-09-04T10:13:50.147-07:00Peidiwch ag ildioPEIDIWCH BYTH AG ILDIO
“Ni fyddwn ni’n cilio na’n methu, byddwn ni’n parhau hyd y diwedd … ni fyddwn byth yn ildio.” Efallai’r geiriau mwyaf cynhyrfus a fynegwyd erioed gan alcoholig. Roedd Winston Spencer Leonard Churchill, yn ei eiriau ei hun, wedi’i eni i fawredd ond roedd ganddo bob nodwedd angenrheidiol i fod yn adict. Rhieni oedd yn ei gam-drin yn emosiynol, cael ei anfon i ffwrdd i ysgol breswyl yn ifanc iawn a phroblemau deallusrwydd aruthrol wedi’i gyfyngu gan athrawon beirniadol a meistri tai. Tyfodd i fod yn oedolyn oedd yn cael ei blagio gan hunan-amheuaeth ofnadwy a rhithdybiau mawredd; mae haneswyr yn edrych arno fel ffigwr dadleuol, arwr i rai a dihiryn i eraill, ond gall alcoholigion ac adictiaid ddysgu llawer iawn o’i eiriau. Mewn nifer o ffyrdd, mae’r Stafell Fyw (sy’n bodoli’n rhannol oherwydd y Churchill Fellowship), yn crynhoi ei rethreg. Dywedir yn aml yn ystafelloedd Alcoholigion Anhysbys a sefydliadau adfer eraill, bod yn rhaid i ‘un ildio er mwyn ennill’. Mae hyn yn golygu bod yn rhaid rhoi’r gorau i’r syniad y gellir rheoli’r ddibyniaeth a dychwelyd at yfed ‘synhwyrol’ rheoledig a mesuredig. Mae hon yn farn sy’n cael ei chefnogi gan y Stafell Fyw. Ond mae ysbryd brwydro pwerus hefyd yma. Mae hwn yn derbyn bod ein diffyg pŵer yn rhan hanfodol o adfer, ond nad yw rhoi mewn i ddibyniaeth actif, ei dderbyn fel rhywbeth anochel, yn rhan hanfodol o adfer.
Ym mis Mehefin 1940 ychydig wythnosau ar ôl i Churchill ddod i rym a’r Fyddin Brydeinig wedi’i hachub o Dunkirk, roedd cenedl bryderus yn edrych ar Churchill am waredigaeth. Roedden nhw’n aros am rywun i gamu ymlaen fel arweinydd a rhoi darlun clir o’r hyn yr oedd Prydain yn mynd i’w wneud. Roedd y rhyfel yn cael ei golli a nifer yn ofni ymosodiad gan yr Almaen yn y misoedd nesaf ac yn credu y byddai’n rhaid i Brydain ildio neu drafod. Dywedodd Churchill wrth y genedl beth oedd y cynllun mewn un araith glir: Rydyn ni’n mynd i ymladd. Eglurodd y byddai’n frwydr hir, byddai’r gost mewn bywydau, arian a dinistr yn uchel, ond byddai, yn ddiamau, yn cael ei hennill - beth bynnag ddigwydd i nifer o adictiaid, sy’n cyflawni yr un patrymau niweidiol dro ar ôl tro, mae eu harweinydd, eu Churchill yn eistedd ar y meinciau, yn anymwybodol ei bod yn amser i gamu i’r darllenfwrdd ac ysbrydoli’r byd. Pan fyddan nhw, o’r diwedd, yn deffro i realaeth eu salwch, y frwydr o’u blaen, mae eu harweinydd yn cyrraedd i’w harwain. Mae’r deffro hwn yn digwydd ar soffas y Stafell Fyw dro ar ôl tro - mae adictiaid yn deffro ac yn lle gweld ofn, anhrefn a gorchfygiad, maen nhw’n derbyn adfer ac yn rhagweld buddugoliaeth dros y gelyn mwyaf annymunol a welsant erioed. Mae cwnselwyr a staff y Stafell Fyw’n gwybod mai staff cefnogi ydyn nhw yn y ddrama fawr hon, i helpu’r adict i ddarganfod ei hun, ei nerth a’i benderfyniad/phenderfyniad. Gwyddom rywbeth arall hefyd:
Rydyn ni’n mynd i ennill.
Gall y ffordd fod yn anodd ac nid yw’r frwydr gyda dibyniaeth yn benodol i Gaerdydd, i Gymru nac i Brydain ond mae’n broblem fyd-eang sy’n caethiwo llawer o bobl. Ond mae’r sicrwydd ein bod yn mynd i lwyddo mor bwerus oherwydd:
Nid ydym ar ein pen ein hunain.
Mae chwyldro adfer tawel, eang yn teithio o gwmpas y byd, o gymunedau bychain i lywodraethau cenedlaethol. Mae hen syniadau o wthio dibyniaeth allan o’r adict yn raddol yn cael eu hamnewid gan ethos o gariad, tosturi, dealltwriaeth a chydsafiad. Yn y gorffennol, bu’n demtasiwn i bobl broffesiynol yn y maes dibyniaeth roi hunain, gyrfaoedd a balchder dros wir egwyddorion helpu eraill. Mae hyn wedi cau pobl broffesiynol oddi wrth ei gilydd ac wedi trin gwirfoddolwyr a phobl leyg fel rhwystrau gyda bwriadau da. Yn y Stafell Fyw rydyn ni wedi tynnu’r waliau a’r ffensys i lawr ac rydym am glywed gan unrhyw un a all helpu yn y frwydr o’n blaen. Os ydych chi’n barod i helpu gyda dibyniaeth ac yn benderfynol o beidio â gweld eraill yn ildio i’w bŵer, byddem yn eich croesawu i ymuno â ni. Mae dibyniaeth yn ffynnu pan fyddwn ar ein pen ein hunain neu’n unig. Mae’n bwerus iawn pan na fyddwn ni’n gallu galw ar benderfyniad Churchill neu ein bod yn methu â galw ar yr arweinydd o’n mewn ni oll sy’n aros i arwain. Ar hyn o bryd, mae gan y Stafell Fyw amrywiaeth o fentrau cyffrous ochr yn ochr â’n gwasanaethau craidd i helpu i frwydro yn erbyn dibyniaeth:
* Y Prosiect Estyn Allan: Mae’n rhoi sgiliau hyfforddi adfer i bobl leyg yn eu cymunedau i wneud effaith go iawn ar fywydau adictiaid.
* Beat The Odds: rhaglen gyntaf Cymru i frwydro yn erbyn argyfwng dibyniaeth gamblo.
* Cynnal: Gwasanaeth dwyieithog i weinidogion yr efengyl ar draws Cymru sy’n dod ar draws problemau dibyniaeth a theimladau na ellir eu rheoli.
Os hoffech ymuno â ni, pa un a ydych yn weithiwr proffesiynol, yn berson mewn adferiad neu’n wirfoddolwr a all gynnig egni, brwdfrydedd ac ymrwymiad, gallwch gysylltu â’r Stafell Fyw ar:
Ffôn: 029 2030 2101
E-bost: livingroom-cardiff@cais.org.uk
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-77207894850947029362015-08-04T03:23:00.000-07:002015-08-04T03:23:58.772-07:00A letter (extract) from Albers Einstein to his daughterA Letter (Extract) From Albert Einstein to his Daughter
There is an extremely powerful force that, so far, science has not found a formal explanation to. It is a force that includes and governs all others, and is even behind any phenomenon operating in the universe and has not yet been identified by us.
This universal force is LOVE.
When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force.
Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it.
Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others.
Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals.
For love we live and die.
Love is God and God is Love.
This force explains everything and gives meaning to life. This is the variable that we have ignored for too long, maybe because we are afraid of love because it is the only energy in the universe that man has not learned to drive at will.
To give visibility to love, I made a simple substitution in my most famous equation.
If instead of E = mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied by the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits.
After the failure of humanity in the use and control of the other forces of the universe that have turned against us, it is urgent that we nourish ourselves with another kind of energy…
If we want our species to survive, if we are to find meaning in life, if we want to save the world and every sentient being that inhabits it, love is the one and only answer.
Perhaps we are not yet ready to make a bomb of love, a device powerful enough to entirely destroy the hate, selfishness and greed that devastate the planet.
However, each individual carries within them a small but powerful generator of love whose energy is waiting to be released.
When we learn to give and receive this universal energy, dear Lieserl, we will have affirmed that love conquers all, is able to transcend everything and anything, because love is the quintessence of life.
deeply regret not having been able to express what is in my heart, which has quietly beaten for you all my life. Maybe it’s too late to apologize, but as time is relative, I need to tell you that I love you and thanks to you I have reached the ultimate answer! “.
Your father Albert Einstein
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-14697284230520606512015-08-04T03:18:00.001-07:002015-08-04T03:18:16.089-07:00Why I have to engage the frontal lobe of my brain and challenge these negative thoughtsBlog 31st July
Good bye July officially the rainiest month ever. Every morning I woke up it was raining.
It’s been an interesting week. On Monday I went to Slimming World feeling good. I actually felt slimmer lighter and was sure I had lost a few pounds. Imagine my horror and disbelief as I bounded on to the scales with gay abandon only for them to .....................stay exactly the bloody same.
“What” I said to the poor woman recording the weights “How can this be?” instantly suspicious. Her pitying face said it all; they clustered around me, “It happens sometimes”
“I feel as though I’ve lost weight “I whelped “Look my clothes are looser” I said in despair, pulling on them like someone demented.
“You’ve probably lost inches then” one of them tried helpfully.
It was no good; negativity had descended like a mist.
I stomped to my seat scowling and laughing at the same time. “I’ve maintained “ I said whispering my plight to another member burning with shame and feeling genuinely pissed off.
Glass half empty. “Well it could have been worse you could have gained” he retorted back.
“And you stayed for group.”
I shot him a sideways evil stare, as he clutched his Slimmer of the week silver sticker.
Then it was time for name and shame
“Julie stayed the same this week, but all in all a weight loss of 11lbs” thunderous applause from the group. “What’s your aim for next week?” I knew I was being petulant and very childish when I said the immortal words “7 stone” but somehow I couldn’t help myself.
I did get a laugh, but inside it wasn’t funny.
I take these setback things far too much to heart, instead of accepting it and looking at ways to change it I stew on it and become defiant and angry.
What’s the point? Its crap, it doesn’t work. (Clearly it does) Comparison with others then creeps in. What will they think of me? (Who Cares?) Negative thinking, stinking thinking, my disease slinking back in at the first hurdle. Self pity, I’m a failure, I’m useless, and it’s too hard.
Ludicrous nonsense, thinking based on bashing low self-esteem and thinking that will make you eat again.
Myths not facts. I have tried to impose positivity, shared it, seen the funny side of it and not gone off on a binge. I have to accept it and plod on. I trust that sometimes quickly sometimes slowly eventually I will develop a pattern of eating that is not self destructive and does not damage me.
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-79112829496357082532015-07-20T02:00:00.001-07:002015-07-20T02:00:39.631-07:00Two contrasting eventsBlog 19th July 2015
I’ve been out twice this week, to see two interesting but very contrasting events. The first one was a theatre production of the musical Sweet Charity; it was in the open air theatre in Sophia Gardens and was pure entertainment, the all singing, all dancing, feel good, toe tapping, high kicking, thigh slapping caper that some of us know and love. (I always said I should have been a gay man, my love of musicals cements this)
The second event was a film documentary called Amy about the tragic and all too short life of the musician Amy Winehouse. I wanted to see this from the recovery angle, to see if they covered it “warts and all” and captured the lonely self loathing confusion and despair of addiction.
I think they did. I was also reminded with flashbacks of shame of my own degenerative state at the time. My fiends nicknamed me Winehouse, how we laughed, I even went to a Halloween party dressed as her thinking that being seen as my nemesis was cool and ironic. I was fat she was tiny but under the black comedy of it all we shared more than drug and alcohol addiction, we shared an eating disorder. Think of Amy and you think of drugs, of alcohol, of jazz and soul and a voice, a beehive, Bambi legs, flicked eye liner and a dirty laugh. Amy also had a serious eating disorder she had started making herself sick at the age of 13 around the time of her parents confusing and acrimonious divorce.
How we mock those afflicted by addiction, they become the bane of our jokes, we can’t look at ourselves so we point and sneer at them instead. I’m bad but I’m not as bad as her. I wonder if the comedians Graham Norton and Frankie Boyle watched that film and cringed as I did poking fun at a young girl’s painful, long drawn-out suicide mission.
Like so many of us her body just gave up, it couldn’t take the battering any more. One quote that was relayed by her friend spoke volumes to me about the way she viewed life and the fact that she was a long, long way from acceptance and recovery. It was at the Grammys; she was clean and in London. She spotted her friend Juliette in the crowd crying with happiness at her success and pulled her onto the stage then whispered in her ear “Do you know, this is no fun without the drugs”
Not knowing what to do without them. In the end she lost everything that she had once genuinely loved and became the addiction. It was the only way to run away and hide and she reverted to type.
It could have been so different, but she was never ready and those around her with vested interest in her were never ready either. Let’s wait until these five concerts are over then she can have a rest. She’s resting now on - a vacation of a permanent kind.
Sweet Charity was a different type of character, manufactured, yes, but there are such women out there. The tart with the heart, eternally optimistic, shrugging off the shoulders and getting on with it, pushed down pulled up, but never beaten, enduring it all with gritty determination and a tits and teeth attitude. Believing in the dream that good things happen and love will conquer all. Even after being jilted for the hundredth time. Seeing the bigger picture and never giving up hope. Becoming a giver not a taker and trusting it will all work out in the end.
Living a positive meaningful life.
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-1533522483652195362015-07-14T13:50:00.000-07:002015-07-14T13:50:03.842-07:00A friend succumbs to his addiction Blog 14th July 2015
I received some very sad news this week a friend and old work colleague committed suicide by jumping from a bridge. A final deliberate desperate act. There was no other way out for this person suicide was the only option. No way forward and no going back.
Many of us in recovery have been at that jumping off place but by some divine intervention or reaching out for help we did not fall over that edge. My friend did.
No one will know what was going through his mind in the build up to making that decision. He was a charismatic character, a Robin Williams-type, manic, hilariously and funny; an excellent mimic and smart, he had a wicked glint in his eye. He could also be angry, impatient and dip so low in mood that it coloured the room and everyone in it.
He was one of us, an addict; he didn’t know it, I didn’t know it at the time (I was too sick and in denial myself to see it) but I know it now. His poison was women, love and sex, and boy what a tangled web he wove!
He ducked and dived, lied and cheated, told them what they wanted to hear, smiled and charmed them into bed, and back they went for more and more. We kind of understood each other; I think there was a connection that two damaged people often feel when they are together.
You can’t kid a kidder.
He was trapped in the veneer of this character that he had created for himself - a tortured soul. As so often happens, what he showed the outside world did not reflect who he really was inside. He could not find his way in this world and be himself, he didn’t know how. I cannot imagine his pain. And for those around him and his loved ones there will be weeks, months and years of “If onlys”
I said it myself today,
“If only he had reached out” But he didn’t, he couldn’t.
And now his family have to bury him.
All I know is that this man who found life too painful to live is now at peace.
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-17919388073598084372015-07-12T03:47:00.000-07:002015-07-12T03:47:16.519-07:00Things are getting better......Blog 10th July
I have had a good week. My eating plan is steady and enjoyable and I’m neither fighting nor obsessing about it. I have to plan and be organised and I have managed to achieve this despite a blip on Thursday when the planned tea was not ready on time. I accepted this and ate something else that was healthy and on plan instead.
I find that I’m not craving as I can have some sweet things if I keep it simple and make sensible choices. I’m trying to feed my body healthy nourishing food that I would be happy to give to a child. Food is fuel and I want to fill my tank with good stuff not stuff that clogs my arteries piles on weight and makes me feel sluggish and tired all the time.
I need to learn to look after my body to care for it as it’s the only one I’ve got and my illness has spent years trying to destroy it. I need to learn to treat it with respect as it has to last me the rest of my life and I’ve given it a battering over the last 47 years.
I also bought a bike. It’s a big old fashioned affair with a basket and a bell. My son kindly put it together for me but teased me by putting a picture of it up on face book calling it a Grannies bike.
I’ve carried on with my swimming in the mornings and have had to change pools due to a refurbishment. I now have a whole new set of pensioner friends.
I look forward to the group on Monday not for the weigh-in but for the help, support, ideas and recipes that they share. I find that they give me motivation for the week and its non judgemental and kind. All they want is for you to improve your quality and standard of life fitness and health.
Whereas I would have been dismissive and defensive, I’m willing to give it a go, I’m willing to put some action in and follow the plan. I’ve got nothing to lose. I have had some freedom from the obsessing this week. Driving home the other day I realised that I hadn’t thought about food since eating my lunch; that was massive for me. Something seems to have shifted, I feel lighter, and I’m trying to install a positive spin on the plan and to enjoy it.
I’m sick of fighting this illness. I don’t have to fight it, I just have to accept I have it and live with it as it is part of me, but I must also trust that it can be arrested and it can be helped and managed if I let it be.
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-68704402169161545692015-07-05T14:15:00.001-07:002015-07-05T14:15:21.198-07:00Nothing happens by mistake...Blog 3rd July
It’s been a while since I decided to put pen to paper. I had a period of slipping and sliding, caring not caring, binging not binging and generally feeling quite unhappy and miserable with myself.
I started to detach and disassociate, I became angry and resentful at others. I am a star at deflecting my anger, it was never my fault it was all someone else’s. This melancholy and trauma reached a peak a few weeks ago in the Living Room where I actually walked out of a group. Instead of exploring why this was I blamed the other members of the group and the Living Room and ended up in that horrible revolving anger that is so damaging.
I could feel myself pulling away, what I failed to recognise was that my addiction was winning. The defiant inner child was stamping her feet; she was rebelling and performing like a good un.
It took a Sunday evening family group to release the tension. I was able to truthfully tell the group what had been bothering me and safely let go of some of the anger. I was even able to practise what I needed to say in an appropriate fashion. When I left that group I felt better.
I made the decision to tackle this eating disorder. Wyn helped, he suggested that the addiction was winning, the defiance and the anger was the illness inside me and it was in the driving seat. I did not have a chance when that was the case. I was being controlled by the demon within. I had to recognise my true condition and come to see that I could not do anything about it by my own will, I had tried and failed. I was still hanging on for grim death to that control. I needed to accept and stop fighting, every time the demon called I needed to put action in and trust that my higher power would be right there beside me taking care of it all so I didn’t have to.
Simple, but why did I keep relapsing? Because I did not fully concede to my full condition, I still believed deep down that one day I would be able to eat as much as I wanted and stay slim. I still believed that food was my friend and comforter and ate emotionally. I still had that need to escape from myself and feed something inside me.
Everyone’s recovery is different - what worked for me may not work for someone else. I shared previously that OA although amazing for others and has helped millions was not working for this addict at this time. I struggled with the concept of abstinence. Even the word (it’s just a word Julie) has holier than though connotations for me.
I did know that I needed a routine, a structure and a plan that was healthy, sensible, realistic and would fit into my life. So I have joined Slimming World contradicting everything I previously said about diets and clubs. (I’m an addict we change our minds, and I’m a woman). I’ve gone there with an open mind and a sense of humour and I have enjoyed it. It’s another way of embracing a healthy lifestyle and caring for my body.
Looking after my body as though I was nurturing a small child. I will use the 12 Steps in sync with the group so my spiritual well-being and my addiction are addressed.
I’m almost 2 weeks into recovery now and feel so much better; each time I have a craving I try to see that pang as my addiction and my defiance. I engage my rational mind and decide I don’t want to get into the ring and fight the demon; my higher power will come through and help me if I let it.
I’m enjoying the food plan, I don’t feel restricted and I don’t feel angry as I have freedom to choose.
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-23494686384480823392015-05-27T13:51:00.002-07:002015-05-27T13:51:16.276-07:00Crimes against Humanity
Forget ISIS, forget Assad, forget Putin for that matter. The dictators, despots, fundamentalists and killers that grace the front pages of our newspapers are a side-show, a distraction from the greatest scourge of our time; addiction.
Recent statistics released by the journal Addiction in the 2014 Global statistics on addictive behaviours report illuminate the vast, worldwide scale of mankind’s subjugation by addictive substances and behaviours. It shows that five percent of the entire human race struggle with alcoholism (some 240 million people), and that a fifth of all human beings are addicted to tobacco. There are over a billion smokers on planet earth, each compelled by their addiction to inhale cancerous chemicals that will end their lives prematurely. In addition to this there are 180 million cannabis users. There are thought to be 150 million problem gamblers in the world and a far smaller number of people intravenously inject drugs (a mere 15 million).
These are conservative estimates, and they do not show the massive collateral damage that addiction does to the families and loved ones of addicts, whose lives are wrecked and whose own behaviours are distorted beyond recognition in order to cope with addiction in their lives.
The statistics do not show the suffering of entire societies in Central and South America, West Africa and South East Asia that have seen a bloody and fruitless war on drugs simply hand unaccountable power over to criminal elites. They do not show the millions of intelligent, industrious and productive people around the world who have been dragged through courts, prisons and recently in Indonesia, in front of firing squads as governments react in the only way they seem to know how to the challenge of addiction. The loss of potential to the human race of this disease is almost beyond the ability of anyone to calculate, but, like global warming, it seems to be an issue that the political classes of the world are constitutionally incapable of addressing. Our cautious, impotent and craven leaders, terrified of ill-informed howls of rage from newspaper columnists who feel qualified to hold forth on any and all moral panics, do nothing more than prohibit, punish and push away the problem. They do a very good job of mimicking the behaviours that are commonly found in homes where addiction rules the roost ‘don’t speak, don’t say, don’t challenge, don’t feel, don’t think, don’t admit’, in behaving in this way, the governments of the world aid addiction every single day.
What, then, is to be done? The proponents of legalisation argue that controlling, taxing and licensing drug use is the only way to limit the harm it causes. Perhaps.
There is another solution to the problem of addiction, but one which lies far beyond the skill sets of our current leaders. It requires nothing short of an existential revolution, a reformation of meaning to take place across the world. Addiction is the practice of self-annihilation; it is the consumption of a substance or the engagement in a behaviour in order to flee from one’s self. Surely, by posing the question as to why so many millions of human beings wish to escape from the only life they have or will ever know, we can work towards, not only a solution to addiction but a solution to the problem of ‘human-ness’. Life never creates a crisis without also presenting the seeds of opportunity and in addiction lies a potential springboard to the future, its victims are so numerous they present a critical mass and if, together, they can speak with one voice and tell the rest of the world their experience, the results might just be revolutionary.
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-46204058291927121502015-05-25T15:00:00.002-07:002015-05-25T15:00:34.233-07:00I'm slowly getting back on trackBlog 24th May 2015
I’m slowly recovering after a three week long relapse which built to a crescendo last Tuesday. I still don’t know if that’s my food rock bottom, only time will tell.
I’ve been experiencing every emotion under the sun over the past three weeks and eating furiously to keep them all at bay, but of course eating doesn’t help any more (not that it ever did really).
I’ve been jealous
“How come all those people at OA can do it and I can’t?”
I’ve been angry
“Life’s too short not to eat a biscuit”
I’ve been pitiful
“Why me? Why do I have all these addictions?”
I’ve been childish, petulant and resistive
“I can’t be bothered, I just don’t care, and it’s too hard”
I’ve been lazy and self-loathsome
“I’m not doing it, I hate myself anyway, I’m old and ugly anyway, I’m disgusting, just a big fat ugly pig.”
I’ve been doubting
“I’m never going to get it”
I’ve been ashamed and guilty
“I’ve hurt, lied and cheated so many people that I love, I’m never going to be able to resolve it.”
I’ve been hopeless
It’s been a dark, dank and depressing time and I have been out of control acting on my own will and turning my back on others. The self-righteous indignation is creeping back in and I remind myself of my Mother which just compounds my self-hatred even more.
I’m slowly picking myself up and with help putting myself back together.
ONE DAY AT A TIME
I’m going to ease back into it, I’ve gone from binge to three meals a day again and the next step will be re-engaging with OA.
This time when I re-engage I need to do it whole heartedly and that means listening and being willing to try another way, instead of resisting. The only way to do this is to do it. I’m praying for willingness, for a sign, for a way in. I know I need a sponsor and I also know that I am so much better when I fully engage with the programme instead of paddling in the shallow end. Even as I type this I’m frightened as it then means I have to put pressure on myself and put some action into my recovery.
I can’t do this by myself. I need to leave my pride at the door, stop looking and comparing, ignoring and despising others, as this does me no good.
Now I just need to take that leap of faith, what have I got to lose?
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-40733129584555638752015-05-09T08:44:00.003-07:002015-05-09T08:44:33.771-07:00I'm going to do something about this procrastination next Monday!Blog 8th May 2015
My eating disorder recovery has slowed to a very slow crawl. I am barely doing anything at all. I am coasting.
My eating is not out of control but it’s not in control either. Every day I overeat in regards to my evening meal and at least twice last week I have eaten trigger foods.
The awful thing is I don’t even care that much, talk about a slump in motivation.
I didn’t go to OA this week, I could have gone if I really set my mind to it but instead I choose to lie on the sofa watching the box set of Game of Thrones (new addiction) and bemoaning a very bloated abdomen as my IBS was playing up. I was well and truly sitting squarely on the pity pot.
The next day to cap it all I went to the dentist and as they say “You don’t get away with anything”
All the years of regurgitating and vomiting in response to the gastric band have really taken their toll on my teeth. They are going to look like the cemetery in Dodge City soon. I can’t have a crown or a bridge on my front tooth as there is not enough bone left in my jaw so my only option (bar dentures) is an implant. This comes with the princely cost of two thousand pounds. I nearly choked on the mouthwash when young handsome, perfect-teeth dentist gleefully explained this.
“I’m going to refer you to an implantologist!” he said
I thought he was joking and laughed. It was no laughing matter. Coupled with that bombshell I needed a root-canal filling and a crown on my back tooth. I’m far too vain and young (cough) for dentures so I had better start saving up. That or look like one of the Clampets. If the situation continues I won’t even have to worry about an eating plan, it will be soup for life!
I also visited my Aunty this week, she’s my Fathers last remaining relative and she has breast cancer. She went for a lumpectomy last week and will need radiotherapy. It’s a lot to cope with at any age let alone at 77. What I was struck by was how positive she was and how she managed to find humour and humility in what must be a scary and over-powering situation. It was inspiring. I learnt that your urine goes bright blue following a lumpectomy and that my Auntie has got an incredibly high pain threshold and has only taken 2 Paracetamols since coming out of hospital.
When I think of all the drugs I took to block out emotional pain, it’s an odd comparison. I love my Aunty very much - she is witty and sparky, full of fun and can be a little bitchy at times (which to me adds to her appeal) as I find it funny and shocking at the same time. My Aunty adored my Father and misses him; I enjoy talking about him with her as she recounts stories of when they were children and the funny things he used to do. I received such a beautiful text from her when I got home, comparing me to my Father which made me feel all warm inside.
Returning to the eating disorder: could someone please kick me up the arse? I know I have to get back on track, I know I have to be willing and I know I have to take action to get motivated. I cannot sit here waiting to be thin, it is not going to happen by wishing or by eating what I am eating at the moment.
I will eventually take another leap of faith but the question is when? Monday perhaps?
(Try doing it TODAY) W X
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-39054572921650548792015-04-25T03:08:00.004-07:002015-04-25T03:08:48.304-07:00Detached Indifference!Blog 24th to the 26th April 2015
I learnt a lesson this week. The lesson was: do not send emails when in an emotional state. Some battles are just not worth fighting or indeed even worth entering into the arena.
I had to ask myself “Where in the general scheme of life’s events does this one come?” If only I had asked this before demonically pushing the send button then announcing triumphantly “That‘ll teach him” to the bemused staff team.
Of course it didn’t teach him anything and he retaliated also trying to be big and clever. This could easily have developed into email tennis wars but fortunately I was called into a meeting, burning with self-righteous indignation, championing my inner child. It was only on refection that I suddenly thought “0h dear!” I went to my boss and explained what I had done
“I sent an email when I was in an emotional state of mind”. She face- palmed, “Oh no, who to?”
I knew it was wrong, I knew it was childish, non-professional and ultimately stupid. It didn’t even make me feel better. In fact I just felt a bit daft.
The conclusion of this was that I had to go and see my boss’s boss (the big boss)
I held my hands up and apologised before she even opened her mouth. Honesty is a simple tool. My task then was refection and resolution. I may have to work with the receiver of the email again and I have to be professional. My other rather big and strangely cathartic mistake was to copy-in the Director of the company. Another rather impulsive error on my part! I was instructed, rightly so, to apologise.
All of this is a learning curve. It’ll turn into a positive experience in the long run. Prior to recovery I could never have looked at this incident in such a way. I would have fumed for days, evilly plotting revenge and figuratively stroking a white cat in a menacing fashion. The email receiver would have been sworn at and ridiculed and blame, oh so much blame, would have been apportioned. Thank God today it doesn’t have to be like that. I cannot carry resentments: they eat away at my very soul. I have to find the middle ground and remain calm. Wyn calls it “detached indifference”. I am powerless over people, places and things and one snotty-arsed email is not going to change anything, win an argument or score points.
I can’t change other people but I can change the way I react to other people - be that face to face, over the telephone or via sarcastic emails.
In the words of Disney’s Frozen “LET IT GO”
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8050336536657294360.post-77373570853594482812015-04-25T02:46:00.003-07:002015-04-25T02:46:55.817-07:00The Miracle Will Happen One DayBlog 13th to the 24th April 2015
It’s been almost two weeks since I last blogged. That sounds a little like it’s been two weeks since my last confession. Sometimes I feel I write my blog like a confession. A confession to myself that these things have happened and by typing them out it confirms the truth and makes it more real. Out of my head and on to the paper.
My last blog was very desperate and dark; I was struggling big time and wanted to escape in food. It all seemed inevitable and helpless. I knew what to do, I had the tools of recovery, what I lacked was the willingness.
Then something important happened in the form of an OA meeting. We read a story from lifeline which helped considerably. It was about a woman who was bulimic and was vomiting up to twenty times a day.
I related to it, in the year before doing anything about my food addiction I had been in the same situation, my gastric band had been tightened to within an inch of its life on my orders and I was regurgitating up to ten times a day, sometimes more sometimes less. It was horrendous; at each meal I was anxious, I would sit there consciously aware that I would have to leave the table and throw up but desperately wanting to feed myself and unable to stop. I would leave the table throw up then return to the table to try and get more food down, invariably being disappointed and frustrated when I couldn’t and I would need to run to the toilet to throw up again. Eating out was a misery, I would insist on eating out then spend the whole experience running back and forth to the toilet. Owen would then get angry (understandably so) which would make me more nervous and it would happen more. I felt guilty as he had paid for the damn band which I perceived meant that he didn’t love me the way I was and wanted me thin. This was despite the fact that I had asked for the money for the operation. Owen didn’t understand my eating disorder, how could he? If I couldn’t get it or understand it what hope did he have? All he saw was that he had paid for an operation out of his grandmother’s inheritance and I was not even trying to stick to the recommended diet that the consultant and dietician had advised. I couldn’t stick to it because I was a compulsive overeater and food addict, but neither of us knew that back then. Owen would then look at me with disgust and anger and I picked up on this and ate more to comfort and reassure myself.
It was hell, my physical health was suffering, and my teeth were (and still are) in a shocking state. The only foods I could keep down were chocolate, sweets cakes, biscuits; these trigger foods would slip down past the band with gay abandon. I was getting no nutritional value from foods and my weight remained the same. Looking back it was horrifically unhealthy and madness.
When I ate with my mother my trips to the toilet were even more frequent as my fear of being criticised for eating too much became too stressful and I often couldn’t keep anything down.
As we read that story in OA I was taken back and instead of beating myself up I listened and actually patted myself on the back. I had come a long way. OK I was not perfect a long way from it but I was making slow but steady progress. I was losing weight albeit slowly. I was eating mainly healthily, I was eating regularly, I had apart from on a few occasions abstained from eating my trigger foods. I did still over eat but it wasn’t through triggers. I had for the most part eaten in the right places. In fact I had much to be grateful for. I had coped. This was my primary addiction and it was not going to vanish in a few weeks. My preoccupation could still be there but it was manageable and it did pass.
This is turning a negative around and making in into a positive. I could have wallowed in misery and pity but that would have taken me to the end of the road and a ‘sod it’ moment which would have taken me back into the food.
I don’t want to go back into the food. I do not want that emotional attachment with food any more. It has taken too much of my life and now I need to learn to manage it and come alongside it. It can be my ally, it can show me where I don’t want to be, it can alert me to the fact that I am not spiritually or mentally healthy and that I need to take action - change or step up my recovery. Food can be my friend and motivator not my enemy.
I may have been taking it a little too seriously, we do not live in a famine-torn country, I will not starve to death, and it is not a life or death situation if I do not get to eat a box of Krispy Crème donuts. I need balance and perspective.
I also need to stop comparing or getting jealous of others in OA who get it. The important thing is to keep attending these recovery-oriented meetings. They are on their path I am on mine, we are different. I am different and unique; my experience is going to be very different to that of others. I am where I am supposed to be at the moment. I need to take it easy and have faith that the miracle will happen one day.
Julie
Wynfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11455311428607197370noreply@blogger.com0